"Breaking" News

As far as football is concerned, this summer has been a tedious one. One of the most tedious ever. In fact, if gongs were handed out for sheer strength of tedium, a three hour award ceremony featuring speeches from Gordon Brown broken up by musical performances from Celine Dion, still wouldn’t be as tedious as the sole award winner: the summer of 2011.

As domestic football around the continent came to an end, I scrambled around like a hungry scavenger trying to find any morsal of footballing action to keep me sane. As a result, I have found myself attempting and struggling to even get a tingle out of the predictable Euro 21s (won by Spain), the insipid under 17s World Cup (England eliminated by Germany), the I-don’t mean-to-sound-sexist-but-genuinely-cannot-find-it-in-myself-to-give-a-shit-about Women’s World Cup and most insignificantly of all, the CONCACAF Gold Cup where Mexico triumphed in a competition featuring football heavyweights Grenada, Guadeloupe and El Salvador!

The Copa America did pique my interest initially but the turgid nature of the opening matches seems to suggest that like the rest of international football it is suffering from a terrible case of crippling impotence. At the time of writing, four of the opening six games from the opening round of fixtures have finished in a draw with just 7 goals scored.

But alas, in my desperation, I live in hope that these competitions will keep me satiated and prevent me from going batshit insane from the unbelievable amount of nonsense and lies written and reported by supposed respected sources of football news regarding player transfers and the like.

Yes, this is a summer filler piece deriding pointless transfer guff. Sue me.

Is there any other sport where more column inches are dedicated speculating about the movement of the participants than to their actual athletic achievement? The amount of time journalists and bloggers dedicate to the continued perpetuation of bullshit coupled with willingness of the fans to nuzzle their collective snouts into the metaphorical trough of said bullshit, all the while lapping it up and repeating it with literally no reason to do so makes you wonder if they actually care more about this ridiculous summer sideshow than the game itself. How different is this to pornography? Getting a cheap thrill from something that you want to be real but in actual fact remains nothing more than a hollow fantasy.

The comparisons don’t end there. Like all your favourite interracial BBW triple-penetration gangbang videos featuring that woman who looks a lot like your favourite primary school teacher, the main source of all these transfer fables is found on the internet. All you have to do is go to the football section of Newsnow during this period and you will find literally hundreds of thousands of desperate, hit-seeking blogs trying to entice you in with titles such as “New Chelsea boss eyes £20 million defender swoop”, “Liverpool eye highly rated French midfielder” or “United prepared to break bank for Cambodian wonderkid”. It doesn’t take long for some lonely loser with a laptop and an overactive imagination to cobble together a piece ‘suggesting’ that a team ‘may’ be interested in signing a given player. These qualifiers of uncertainty should be enough to warn readers off ever clicking on these sites but unfortunately I fear I’m giving football fans far too much credit.

Waste Paper

Things get worse when ‘proper’ media outlets get involved. It’s no secret that newspapers are a busted flush. Since the internet strolled into town like some sort of rabid wolfit has just been sat there in the corner of the room waiting patiently for the print media to breath it’s last breath. The internet wolf will then take the opportunity to feast on it’s rotting corpse. The Papers are, however trying to go down fighting. Having been beaten to a story by the internet before they have the chance to go to print, editors sweat buckets over how they can stay fresh and otherwise respectable scribes become afraid of re-printing what people have already heard about before they went to bed last night. So, as a result, we are then treated to EXCLUSIVE (upper case lettering mandatory) stories in the morning editions. These are ridiculous tales of transfer ‘bombshells’ which end up being about as genuine as Katie Price’s body. These stories tend to make bold claims about individuals ‘demanding’ to leave and how ‘furious’ managers are and such like. Yet one brief look over the article in question and the number of quotes that are actually attributed to a human being rather than an ‘insider’ or ‘someone close to the club’ are minimal if there at all. I understand the need to protect sources in most situations but come on. One might think the author simply plucked these quotes out of thin air...



NB: This kind of thing isn’t merely restricted to tabloids. The posh papers are more often than not just as bad at indulging in fruitless speculation, albeit in a more eloquent manner. These otherwise respected writers also do major damage to their own credibility by regularly peddling lies.

Twatter

One of the greatest, and at the same time, one of the worst things to ever sprout from the internet dung heap is Twitter – the ‘microblogging’ site where people publically broadcast the first thing that enters their head, true or not, in just 140 characters and are not required to substantiate any bogus claim they may make. God bless freedom of speech…

How does this relate to football transfer speculation? Well, let’s take fan. He might, for whatever reason, tweet that “My bro is tea lady at Upton Park and swears Leo Messi has just walked in”. All his ‘followers’ ears prick up. This is big news, albeit not even true! Regardless, they can now ‘retweet’ it and before you know it, millions of people around the world are giving more millage to an obvious lie. Then, as above with their printed stories, actual credible journalists, absolutely desperate to remind everyone that they are ‘in the loop’, will pass comment on the rumour. Even if they do so dismissively and claim it “unrealistic that Messi will ever get the District line”, all their followers will see it and they have given yet more legs to the fabrication.

TV Tuner

Caught somewhere between the avalanche of shit on the internet and the shit in the papers, is the broadcast media. TV and Radio, although also in competition with the internet still probably retains its position at the top of the media food chain. For all the immediacy of the online world, there is still a level of distrust thanks in part to the reasons outlined above. One is more inclined to trust the warm, welcoming, Colgate smile on TV rather than the collection of faceless words flashing up on their computers and smart phones. As a result, the rise in popularity of Sky Sports News has been borderline stratospheric down the years. When nothing else is on the old idiot box, you almost guarantee that every football fan instinctively punches in 405 on their Sky remote.

The merits of 24 hour news can be debated another day. Repetition can most certainly add to the tedium but one thing for sure is that when something significant does transpire, a channel on air at all hours of the day can report this news, no matter how trivial, in greater detail than some clown on twitter and far quicker than our friends in the press.

Unfortunately, this frantic need to be first also gives rise to the great promotion of transfer claptrap. In a scene arguably more ridiculous than Twitter, Sky Sports News will often insist on breaking a story, regardless of relevance, importance or quite worryingly, truth. Once again, the mythical unnamed ‘Sky Sources’ or even better, ‘Sky Sports Understands’ are the flimsy but legitimate defences for making these uncorroborated announcements. They can literally put whatever they want on their famous bright yellow ticker...

SKY SPORTS SOURCES: TOTTENHAM LINING UP A £45 MILLION BID FOR THE FAST SHOW'S FICTIONAL STRIKER JULIO GEORDIO

...and they can get away with it too.

Sky Sports News is no longer on free to air TV. This means we now have to pay to for the privilege of being patronised by a bubbly blonde woman dressed like she are about to hit a West End club telling us that she ‘understands’ something that is quite clearly not the case.

The worst things that results from all these nutty transfer stories is the fact that we, the watching fools actually bother to engage. We run around, send texts, emails and ring each other to tell each other about Messi to West Ham like it is fact. Even when we know most of it is crap, we are still fall into the trap and end up having absurd and inane conversations discussing, rather pointlessly with one another, how David Villa would perform alongside Elmander at Bolton when we know full well such a daft thing would never occur. September 1st cannot come soon enough...


Make up transfer stories with me on Twitter

Weekend Observations 8th - 10th January 2011: Sweet FA

You are free to pick your own cliché about this supposedly most sacred of weekends as I'm sure you will not be alone in expressing any gushing sentiment towards, what is – we are led to believe – is the world's oldest cup competition. The tournament actually runs from about September as part time and amateur teams up and down the country square off for the chance to come up against more high profile and illustrious league counterparts as the rounds go on. However, for many observers, the third round is the REAL start of the competition as we see the introduction of the Premier League and Championship big boys and all eyes are trained on the twin tow... er, the massive arch thingy of Wembley Stadium where the final will be played in May.

One of the things that makes the cup so special is the fact that some barely known or recognised team from football's nether regions has the chance to cause an upset against a higher ranked opponent, something that has happened on a number of occasions in the past.

This year's competition has not let us down in that respect. Well done to Southampton, Burton Albion and Notts County who all produced shocks this weekend but the real stories came at Broadhall Way and the Broadfield Stadium respectively as Stevenage and Crawley Town produced the kinds of fairy tales that would have Disney sitting up and paying attention.

Firstly to the leafy suburbs just North of London as Hertfordshire's finest took on Newcastle United. You wouldn’t think there would be much, if any, history between the Geordies of Premier League fame and a club that has spent all but the last 6 months of it’s entire existence in non-league football. But alas, this where the romance of the cup comes into play. 13 years ago the two sides were drawn against each other in the fourth round when Newcastle demanded that the match be switched to St. James’ Park as they felt Broadhall Way was not a venue befitting of their lofty status.

Public bickering between the two clubs ensued but the tie was eventually played following some modifications to the Stevenage home ground. The then non-leaguers famously secured a 1-1 draw meaning a replay at St. James’ Park where they were controversially knocked out after a hotly disputed Alan Shearer goal which it was later proved hadn't crossed the line.

Naturally, revenge was on the minds of the League Two side this time around and they did not disappoint with an emphatic and thoroughly deserved 3-1 victory against a side some 75 league positions about them.

The game's major talking point however, came after the final whistle when in the midst of the celebrations, an over-exuberant Stevenage fan on the pitch actually punched one of his own players. I have to say, I sincerely hope they throw the book at this and ban him from ever attending a football match again. I find it absolutely disgraceful that he got that close to Joey Barton and decided to hit someone else! Shameful. Just shameful.

(The player in question Scott Laird didn't suffer too much by way of injury from the incident and the perp has been apprehended so I guess we can kind of make light of the whole incident now...)

Of course, Newcastle are no strangers to upsets of this kind.



Like many clubs in the lower reaches, Crawley Town have been teetering on the brink of oblivion for a number of years, coming close to folding completely on more than one occasion. Recently, they have found something resembling financial stability and are rocketing their way up the Blue Square table (currently second) with the once unthinkable ambitions of playing in the football league next season. Given their performance in their dramatic late 2-1 victory over Derby County of the Championship, one would say they wouldn't look out of place. An eventful game was settled in injury time when Sergio Torres scored the kind of goal his more high profile namesake would be both proud and jealous of at the moment given his own ropey form.

Speaking of whom, Nando’s Liverpool were in the headlines before a ball was even kicked on third round weekend. Yes, On Saturday morning, the inevitable happened and Roy Hodgson was finally sacked from his post and Anfield hero ‘King’ Kenny Dalglish was placed in temporary charge until the end of the season.

Yes, Liverpool FC: the club where sentiment and emotion supersede logic and reason. Don't get me wrong, Hodgson was the wrong appointment from the start and so it proved during his tenure but he was hardly given a chance was he? This Liverpool team finished 7th last season and were in a terrible state of uncertainty at boardroom level. Hardly the easiest of circumstances for ‘Woy’ to operate under and let’s be brutally honest, with the players at his disposal were they really expected to be performing much better? 5 months is hardly any time to stamp your authority and implement the changes required.

The continued lack of support and undermining from the fans didn't help matters either. How is a manager supposed to do his job each day when he knows the supporters were out for his blood before a ball was kicked in anger? The constant chanting for Dalglish was both unhelpful and undignified.

And what if ‘King’ Kenny doesn’t get it right in the next four months? Who will the all-knowing Kop chant for then? Let’s not forget he's been out of the game for over a decade and it’s been a good 20 years since he was a success on Merseyside. Football has moved on leaps and bounds since then and who's to say he will even be able to understand the rigors of the modern game. I'm not saying I want him to fail but I can't say I will even be remotely surprised if things don't quite go to plan between now and May. Then again, what is the plan?

Dalglish was given a baptism of fire with a third round trip to the old enemy Manchester United. It wasn't to be a happy return as United ran out 1-0 winners thanks to the double act of Howard Webb and Dimitar Berbatov. The former awarding a penalty despite the fact it was clear to every human being lucky enough to possess at least one working eye had seen that the latter had taken a dive. The second minute spot kick was dispatched by Ryan Giggs, 53, and there was no more football worth talking about for the remaining 88 minutes so all attention fell on Webb and his questionable decision making once more.

I'm not going to go with the view that he favours United (although the evidence would suggest that this is the case) but quite simply, he tends to invariably get big decisions wrong on a regular basis. One of the few defences of the man is that he allows the game to flow. What that says to me is that he doesn't apply the rules as he should and when he isn't getting a decision wrong, he is just bottling out of making a call at all. How this man is considered one of the world's best referees is beyond me and possibly more a reflection of the terrible state of officiating rather than his non-existent competence for which has been unjustly rewarded for.

On the subject of diving, Berbatov wasn't the only guilty party this weekend. In Crawley’s win over Derby, the Rams' Chris Porter took a tumble in the box but justice was ultimately served when portly winger Kris Commons had his spot kick saved. At the Emirates on Saturday, before actually winning a penalty when he was fouled, young Theo Walcott had, just moments before, tried to con us all by chucking his slender frame to the ground with little invitation as he tried desperately to win Arsenal a spot kick in the latter stages of his side's surprise 1-1 draw against the Championship's Leeds United. After the diving incident, Theo was quick to both admit and apologise for his actions.

Walcott, for all his footballing limitations, always comes across as a down to earth, smart and articulate lad and this is evident in this post match confession. With all the lies, greed, two-facedness and general bullshit we have to put up with from most people involved in football, it was a breath of fresh air to hear a player seemingly acknowledge his wrongdoing and show some form of regret about doing it unlike some more hypocritical ones out there.



That said, he shouldn't have been diving in the first place. No sense in apologising after the crime. He may not be up there with the Ronaldos and Drogbas of the world but he shouldn't be surprised if people start looking at him in the same accusing manner from now on.

Of course, if you listen to most pundits, fans or general people in the game, diving is the worst possible crime that can ever be committed on the football pitch. Yes, an action that causes no physical harm is apparently signaling the death knell of the game. A high profile dive will more often than not take up more column inches than say.... a bad tackle. Something the staunchest critics of diving will try and justify as 'part of the game'.

Yes, there were people in some quarters who tried to suggest that tackles by messers Gerrard and Tiote in their respective matches which were both punished by red cards were somehow acceptable. English football's Neanderthal mentality strikes again.

On a similar theme, in Blackburn's 1-0 cup win over Championship table toppers QPR, the Hoops' Jamie Mackie flew in on Gael Givet and was unfortunate to himself end up breaking his leg in two places. This was not the end of the story however as Rovers' El-Hadji Diouf apparently stood over the injured Mackie shouting abuse and taunting the Scotland international. This led to Diouf being predictably hammered from all quarters and prompted Rangers manager Neil Warnock to describe the Senegalese international as a 'disgrace' and a 'sewer rat'.

Far be it from me to ever defend Diouf as there are many, MANY reasons to dislike him but on this occasion, I think people ought to cut him some slack. Having seen his teammate completely wipped out (and subsequently stretchered off) I'm pretty sure many *cough* John Terry *cough, cough* other players would have reacted in exactly the same way. Even more significantly, unless I'm missing something, I'm pretty sure the striker doesn't have a medical degree so at the point at which he was supposed to have been abusing Mackie, how could he have possibly have known the extent of the injury? The pictures of the QPR man being stretched off do not suggest a double break. There is no support on his leg nor is the he using any sort of breathing apparatus usually given to players suffering from this kind of distress. At best, the injury appears inconclusive. It just seems easier for people to point the finger at the panto villain than to look at the situation as a whole.

I also find it funny when people who reside in glass houses somehow get their hands on a bag of stones and decide at that very moment to practice their throwing. Neil Warnock has long had a reputation for sending players out to act in a less than gentlemanly fashion on the pitch and he himself has been accused of calling for opposition players to have their legs broken. This is certainly a case of the pot calling the kettle black and it would be crazy for anybody to give Warnock's hypocritical rant any more attention than it deserves.

Finally, football and social networking made for some very uncomfortable bedfellows this week. It seems that posting your thoughts on Twitter can get you in some trouble if you are professional footballer. In the fallout from the penalty incident at Old Trafford, Liverpool's Ryan Babel posted a (badly) photoshopped picture of Howard Webb in a Manchester United shirt which has landed him in hot water with the FA who have slapped him with an improper conduct charge.

Earlier in the weekend, Liverpool's alleged right back Glen Johnson responded to criticism from Sky Sports pundit Paul Merson by bringing up the former Arsenal man's drink, drug and gambling problems on his twitter page in an act the showed about as much tact and class as a multi-millionaire footballer stealing a toilet seat from B&Q...

Even the fallout from the Diouf incident has seen QPR players going Tweet crazy. So, as a result of these 'tweets', we've got the authorities investigating players' conduct as well as clubs looking to clamp down on what kind of content is posted.

While some of the posts may be ill-timed, not properly thought out and of course, down right controversial, let's ask ourselves, it is really a big problem? Footballers are often accused of not being able to relate to fans and living in their own bubble. People are always complaining about players not being able to understand the so-called common man like you or I.

Something like Twitter is a great way of bridging that gap. We're all sick to the back teeth of the regulated, vacuous, cliche-riddled, nondescript interviews that players are forced to give so why deprive them of a means to publicly and honestly express themselves? Don't agree with what they say then so what? They are as entitled to their opinions as we all are and as long as what they say isn't libelous, they should not be censored from communicating them. Let them tweet cake!

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