Derby Daze - Weekend Observations 1st-2nd October 2011

The major talking point of the Premier League this weekend came in the early kick off on Saturday and the so-called 'Friendly' Merseyside derby between the Blues of Everton and the reds of Liverpool at Goodison Park. These games are often quite close but on the occasion the game was over as context when referee Martin Atkinson chose to dismiss Everton's Jack Rodwell for having the temerity to execute the perfect slide tackle during the first half. Of course the pathetic reaction of Luis Suarez didn't help the Everton player but you didn't even need two working eyes to see that his ball winning slide was clean. Atkinson was right on top of it too so you wonder how he came to the baffling conclusion that Rodwell had to walk. Refereeing incompetence at it's finest. After his whinging about officials in weeks gone by, 'King' Kenny's silence after this terrible decision spoke volumes.



A word on Suarez. I feel so conflicted when I watch him. On one hand, A glorious footballer that we are privileged to have gracing our league - and so he proved with yet another well taken goal in this game - but on the other, a filthy, disgusting cheat. The whole world saw the diving and feigning injury for both Rodwell's red card and a missed Dirk Kuyt penalty later in the half. The fact we all saw it (aside from a minority of idiotic Liverpool fans inexplicably defending their man) and generally agree that his behaviour was not acceptable should be all the evidence needed for the authorities to start handing out retrospective punishments for this type of thing.

As I said, with a beleaguered Everton a man down, Liverpool went on to win 2-0. Most humiliating for the Toffees was the fact they allowed even Andy Carroll to score despite playing like a lame horse for the most part. The reds were able to secure their second away win of the season. Curiously enough, the victory was only attained after the opposition had been reduced to 10 men – exactly the same circumstances as their only other win on the road at Arsenal. The win keeps them 5th in the table.

The only other talking point in the game was the moronic Everton fans who felt throwing objects at Liverpool was acceptable. If this had taken place in Europe, we'd all be screaming blue murder (no pun intended). The club has since said they would take 'firm action' against any guilty party and so they should. If you can't enjoy football without being able to control your emotions then you certainly shouldn't be able to allowed to watch the sport around other people.

More fan shame in the other big derby of the weekend at White Hart Lane where fan chants have seemingly taken up more column inches than the football. Some Arsenal fans were quite vocal in their feelings towards their former striker Emmaual Adebayor who now wears the white of arch rivals Tottenham. I'm all for a bit of 'banter' at football but I think singing about how you wish somebody was shot and killed in a tragic incident that actually saw innocent people lose their lives, then, regardless of who you support, you are a fucking idiot. Although, the condemnation from 'Arry was a bit precious given the fact Spurs fans were themselves guilty of giving the Togo international years of abuse before he became one of their own. I guess selective hearing meant that he didn't hear the home fans calling the Arsenal manager a 'pedophile' (and not for the first time either). Let's also not forget the fact that the wheeler dealer himself previously condemned the Tottenham faithful for their very own 'filthy' abuse aimed at a certain Sol Campbell some years back.

Both clubs have made a joint statement promising to root out any culprits and ban them for life. A noble sentiment but I seriously doubt it can be enforced with such large numbers involved. Games behind closed doors is the only solution in my most humble of opinions. Not ideal I admit but having the same tedious conversations whenever people chant about Hilsborough, Munich and the like is beginning to grate. The idiots only ever learn if you take away their ability to go to games. Of course, it is a completely unworkable idea. You would have to be very naive to believe that any club will ever accept this a solution due to the masses of revenue they will lose. Given that we are all aware that football as a whole cares more about making money than stamping out these problems then you have to wonder why any of us waste our breath even talking about it.

Anyway... the match itself saw Tottenham secure only a second home league win against Arsenal since 1999. The score that day was 2-1, as it was in 2010 and Spurs won by the same scoreline yet again on this occasion as goals from Rafael van der Vaart and Kyle Walker gave Spurs a fourth successive league win and condemned Arsenal to fourth defeat in just seven games this season.

The result came a day after the Arsene Wenger celebrated the 15th years in charge of the gunners. At no point during that decade and half could one ever really doubt the at times embarrassing superiority Arsenal had over Spurs. Wenger has faced no less that eight different Tottenham managers since arriving from Japan in 1996 and only once during that long period was he side ever at risk of finishing below the team from Haringey. It seems a bizarre coincidence that this anniversary signalled something of a dynamic shift. You'd be hard-pressed to find a gooner with his head buried so deep in the sand that would argue against the fact Spurs look the better of the two teams right now and even at this early stage, are well placed to end the season well ahead of their arch rivals. Of course, the comical injury situation at the Emirates has played it's part but it has merely served to show how weak they are beyond their first XI. Man for man, you'd be looking to Tottenham High Road rather than Finsbury Park for the better all-round squad.

Arsenal didn't actually start that badly and on another day van der Vaart's goal could and should have been ruled out for handball. However, Wenger's better teams of years gone by would only considered this a minor inconvenience before re-establishing their dominance. As we have seen time and time again in recent years, the current side are totally incapable of responding to set backs. A fact punctuated by the total lack of attacking endeavour in the time remaining following Walker's stunning winner. There is a lazy regurgitated assumption that they 'lack leaders' but when you watch them surrender games so meekly, there is little else to say.

I don't care enough about the Clive Allen-Wenger spat to comment on it by the way.

Another team who suffered a derby day defeat were QPR who were on the wrong end of a 6-0 lashing by a Fulham side that looked like world beaters in spells. Yes, Neil Warnock's team were pretty shocking but some of the Fulham football was outstanding. Had Barcelona played like the West London Whites, you wouldn't be able to walk for all the sticky stuff in your underpants.



The link up play between hat trick hero Andy Johnson and Bobby Zamora was at times quite delicious with the former looking to re-establish himself as something of a ruthless goal-getter after some years in the wilderness thanks to injury and the like. Goals from Clint Dempsey, Danny Murphy and Zamora himself completed the rout. After an indifferent start to the season, this sort of win is exactly what was needed at the Cottage. I've never had any doubts that Martin Jol is going to do a decent job down by the Thames.

The other team from that part of the world had an equally comprehensive victory. Chelsea went to the Reebok and tore Bolton Wanderers a new one in a 5-1 hammering that actually flattered the awful home side who prop up the table with 6 defeats from 7 and a goal difference of minus 12. Despite this, people still talk favourably of Owen Coyle like he's the sliced bread of management or something. His record with the Trotters has been nothing short of appalling and had he been anyone other than the likeable media-friendly Scot who is actually well-intentioned in his belief in how to play the game, you imagine he would have been handed his P45 already. People will point to their tough start and the fact that the fixture computer wasn't exactly kind to them having had to face Liverpool, Man Utd, Man City, Arsenal and Chelsea in the opening weeks and to an extent I would agree. However, the manner of some of these defeats has been unacceptable.

We all know Bolton are a tiny football club in terms of resources, stature, location and support but cruicially, since returning to the Premier League over a decade ago, they had always been notoriously hard to beat. A trip to the Reebok has always been a potential banana skin and even when welcoming them to your place, you know you are in for a frustrating time. This was the way under Sam Allardyce for years and dare I say it, even Gary Megson's teams provided a sterner test to opposition teams. Under Coyle however, their all too open and inviting approach exposes their obvious limitations and allows any half decent side to pick them off at will. The sheer quantity of goals they concede is astonishing.

In the Chelsea game, many will focus on the terrible performance of Adam Bogdan in goal but let's be fair, his defence offered him no protection whatsoever – even “past it” Frank Lampard managed a hat-trick! The real test for Owen Coyle comes in the next few weeks when the fixtures are slightly kinder but if they are still floating in around the wrong end of the table come Christmas then serious questions will need to be asked of the manager. The first being why he is so highly thought of if he cannot rouse his team from their current state of malaise which, let's be brutally honest, is a continuation of a poor end to last season too.

There is a similar narrative at Lancashire neighbours Blackburn where a once hardened outfit are no more than a sad, unfunny joke. This weekend, the hapless Steve Kean sent out a team to bend over for Manchester City. A team whose continued improvement was further emphasised by the fact they were able to do the very un-City-like thing of sweeping aside the controversies of last week and responding with an emphatic 4-0 victory. Adam Johnson, Samir Nasri and Stefan Savic all scored their first goals of the season but yet again the main talking point centred around a hot-headed, controversial striker. Of course, this time it was all positive as Super Mario Balotelli scored his third goal in a fortnight for the Blues. Since his arrival last summer, very little talk of Balotelli has centred around his football. Such is the frequency of some crazy off-field antic he is involved in that many would have been forgiven for thinking he was only signed to provide entertainment as some sort of comic sideshow to the football. People are actually scratching their heads in bewilderment as they realise he is actually a half decent player and yet another vital cog in this seemingly unstoppable Manchester City machine powering it's way through the Premier League.

The timing of this apparent blossoming from Balotelli could not be better given the Carlos Tevez affair and the fact Sergio Aguero may be waylaid with injury over the coming weeks. Now that the Italian is getting game time, one would expect he won't be so 'bored' and might actually go on to be the quality player that so many have touted him to be.



Neighbours Manchester United won 2-0 against a Norwich City team that were unfortunate not to actually beat their more illustrious opponents. The Canaries were almost given the freedom of Old Trafford, creating chance after chance but fluffing their lines at the crucial moment, time and time again. Anderson and Danny Welbeck sealed win but the goals did not tell the full story. The United defence hasn't looked convincing at any point this season and how they kept a clean sheet this past weekend is a mystery to one and all. A more clinical Chelsea team would have put them to the sword a few weeks back, Stoke caused all kinds of problems last week while Basel's draw in midweek owed much to the these obvious weaknesses in the United back line. Johnny Evans looks so far out of depth he might have to start playing with an inflatable rubber ring around his waist while Rio Ferdinand could easily be mistaken for his inept brother Anton these days. Summer signing Phil Jones' tenacity and attacking intent masks some very big defensive flaws to his game. It's difficult to criticise a team that is still top of the league and flying but I think it would be crazy to ignore the problems at the back. If things do not improve, it's only a matter of time before they are caught out.

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Mor joy for Norwich - Weekend Observations 24th-26th Sept 2011: Part Two

Part One here

Monday night saw Norwich welcome a Sunderland team managed by one of their former legends in Steve Bruce. Apparently, many moons ago, Bruce scored an own goal 30 seconds into his Norwich career. Despite some 140 odd appearances, a league cup, promotion and club captaincy, Bruce probably still feels he needs to make amends to the club for his horror debut. I mean, how else could you explain him starting with a defence consisting of Titus Bramble, Wes Brown, John O'Shea and Keiran Richardson? That backline should be mightily relieved this game only finished 2-1 to the home side.

The last time the Norfolk side were in the top flight I was sharing a house with two of their fans so naturally I was quite clued about the goings on at Carrow Road and fairly familiar with their team. Less so these days. Particularly after manager Paul Lambert's transfer tourettes this summer.

I can't imagine there are many people who could tell you much about new striker Steve Morison who scored what turned out to be the winner. Morison is one of those true rags to riches stories we all like. Having spent a great chunk of the noughties in non-league football, he finally got a big move to Millwall in 2009 before a £2m transfer to East Anglia this summer. Now scoring goals at Premier League level, such a feat would have been unthinkable just a few years ago.

Judging him solely on this game, it must be said that he didn't look half bad, constantly terrorising the abovementioned Bramble on a number of occasions. Morison also scored a first international goal for Wales a few weeks back. Not bad for a player who was actually playing part time little over 5 years ago.

The last time Norwich were in the top flight we were also subjected to this...



...thankfully, there was no need this time around.

Despite the win, I still expect the Canaries to struggle. However, this match may have told us that Sunderland are likely to join them in the proverbial dogfight. Having been given the backing to recruit a number of new players in the summer, one would think the Sunderland board musy be putting pressure on Bruce to deliver. Something he is quite clearly failing to do. Rumours about his potential sacking might not be as far fetched as we might have thought a few weeks back.

On the theme of supposedly under fire managers, a peculiar thing happened this weekend. Arsenal played a football match that didn't result in cries of “crisis”, questioning of Arsene Wenger and broken crest images in every tabloid sports publication. If for only a few days, the football media will not be dominated by the gooners and their apparent demise following a pretty easy looking 3-0 win over Bolton. Key man Robin van Persie's brace meant he joined the Arsenal centurions club with his 99th and hundredth goals. While 2011 has been something of a shambles for the club, the Dutchman has excelled and alerted anybody that may have doubted him after his numerous injury troubles.

That said, there have been mutterings about his future at the club. With less than two years left on his current contract Arsenal fans the world over will be hoping the board start waving a juicy new deal under his nose to stop him looking elsewhere. The player himself hasn't exactly been forthright in his enthusiasm to stay and parallels with the Samir Nasri situation are unavoidable. Given the frequency with which Arsenal haemorrhage top class players, it is not difficult to conceive that the Europe's top clubs will be sniffing around N5 like vultures to pluck van Persie from his Emirates nest - especially with the highly possible scenario of the gunners missing out on Champions League qualification next season.

Van Persie opened the scoring with a neat near post finish before drifting in the box to convert Theo Walcott's centre. Alex Song wrapped up the points with a well struck third that would put certain other players in his team to shame.

It has gone somewhat unnoticed that Bolton are currently in a state of freefall. After their emphatic opening day victory at QPR, the Trotters seem to have tied lead weights to their ankles and jumped straight into the Irish Sea having lost every league game since. Owen Coyle is constantly praised as a good manager – some people have even, quite bizarrely, suggested him as the man to take over at the Emirates if Wenger is to leave his post – but for my money needs to prove himself by getting this 'not awful' Bolton side out of their current funk. Don't worry though. Only Chelsea next week...

The fact Arsenal didn't concede any goals that would win academy awards for comedy, talks of defensive coaches and 'proper' signings can be filed away. For this week at least. Next Sunday they go to White Hart Lane for the Siete Hermanas Classico in the rare position as underdogs. As much as people speak of Arsenal's slump in recent years, the most galling thing for Islington residents would be the fact that the previously hapless neighbours have been steadily moving in the opposite direction.

There's no greater sign of this upward mobility than the fact that two of the last four league meetings have gone the way of the Lilliwhites following a run of ten years without a single win in this fixture. Just a few years ago, when Arsenal where breaking records like plates at a Greek wedding, the idea of Tottenham in the Champions League would have been unthinkable. Not only did Spurs get further than their rivals in the competition last season, but right now I would doubt there is a single person either side of the North London divide that would even be remotely surprised to see 'Arry Redknapp's team muscle Wenger's team out of those coveted top four places.

After a shaky start to the season, Tottenham are looking ominously menacing as they ascend the league table. This weekend, they faced a potential banana skin at Wigan where previous incarnations of Spurs would not be have come away with the three points. Things have changed. Two of the team's star performers last season, Rafael Van der Vaart and Garath Bale got the goals in a valuable 2-1 win.

Luka Modric continued his faux 'redemption' or whatever with an assist for Bale's header while Emmanuel Adebayor further endeared himself to the Spurs faithful with an assist for the Dutch forward's opener. Is there a more certain outcome in football than the Togolese striker piling the misery on his former club by scoring next Sunday? Bet literally everything you have on it. Everything!



It was a tale of three penalties at Loftus Road as Neil Warnock was left fuming as pubescent referee Michael Oliver not only awarded a soft penalty to Aston Villa but failed to spot not one, but TWO handballs by Alan Hutton as the Villians rode their luck in the second half of a 1-1 draw on Sunday.

The spot kick that was awarded came as Armand Traore was deemed to have tugged the shirt of Gabriel Agbonlahor. In fairness, the benefit of replays showed that Oliver was right but he would have to have had supersonic vision (is that a thing? I'm saying it's a thing) to see it. The Sky commentators, as well as Warnock himself, made the point that when the supposed infringement took place, neither the Villa fans behind the goal, nor the Villa players appealed for a foul. That said, however 'soft' it may have been, if you tug someone's shirt, it's a foul and if you do it in the area, it is therefore a penalty. Don't really see why there was so much debate.

At the other end, Hutton, someone many are yet to be convinced is a competent outfield player, proved himself to be almost a better goalkeeper than Shay Given as he escaped two appeals for handball – the first potentially preventing a QPR goal. Typically, Neil Warnock showed his class by bleating away in TWO post match interviews on Sky. Have to say, listening to him go on and on makes it difficult to have a great deal of sympathy.

Justice was achieved in stoppage time however as a Richard Dunne own goal meant the points were shared. Amusingly, Gary Neville had just named Dunne, a defender I've never understood the hype around, as Man of the Match. That should teach broadcasters about making such premature announcements before the final whistle. This was also Richard Dunne's 314th career own goal or something, putting him ahead at the top of this unwanted scoring chart.

A draw was probably a fair result. QPR huffed and puffed but lacked any sort of cutting edge. Jay Bothroyd is unfortunately not a Premier League striker and the longer they rely on him as the spearhead of their attack, goals are going to continue to be hard to come by.

Alex McLiesh's team took 45 minutes to come alive and eventually made something of a game of it having been completely anonymous before half time. In similar vein to Pardew as I mentioned in part one, it's a minor miracle the former Birmingham manager has been able to keep Villa unbeaten after the loss of key players in the summer. That said, their approach isn't pretty and but on the whole they are horrible to watch. But for the controversy, this game would have yielded no talking points at all. Not sure how many people, Villa fans included, will be tuning in when they are on TV again.

Interestingly, no QPR player has scored a goal at their home ground this season. Superhoops fans will thanking their lucky stars that Tony Fernandes came in and torpedoed the outrageous ticket price rises put in by the previous owners because charing upwards of 70 quid a game to watch Rangers at present would probably see the club guilty of the kind of daylight robbery not unfamiliar to the local residents in the Shepherd's Bush area.

Finally, West Brom, with former Fulham manager Roy Hodgson, took on a Fulham side managed by former West Brom player Martin Jol in a game between two adventurous sides with suspect defences. The kind of game that would promise goals, right? Right??? Wrong.


Get your Tweets out for the lads!

Liv-ing Dangerously - Weekend Observations 20th-23rd August: Part One

The big game on Saturday saw Liverpool travel down to London and come away from an away game with Arsenal taking 3 points for the first time since Methuselah had acne and starting noticing girls. Given the shape of the two sides going into the match at the Emirates, the reds' 2-0 victory was in actual fact one of the least surprising results of the weekend.

The Gunners were once again ravaged with injury and matters were made worse in the first 15 minutes when Laurent Koscielny limped off and confirmed my suspicions that during the week, Arsenal players don't actually do any training. The Frenchman looked to have sustained a back injury. Add that to the hamstring afflictions that sidelined both Keiran Gibbs and Johan Djourou as well as Tomas Rosicky's 'knock' following the narrow 1-0 win over Udinese in midweek and you have a club that can no longer blame 'bad luck' for their problems. Such persistent problems point to fundamental flaws at the club. Arsene Wenger has whinged about injuries undermining Arsenal for a number of years now but from the outside looking in, it would appear that lessons still haven't been learned. It's as though the medical team is run by Harold Shipman.

Koscielny's withdrawal meant a debut for 18 year old Ignasi Miquel. The Arse had already been forced to hand first starts to Emmanuel Frimpong and Carl Jenkinson, both 19, which makes you wonder if we will eventually see an unborn foetus lining up on the left wing before the season is out (Let's face it, an embryo would actually be better than Andrei Arshavin right now...).

Quite simply, it should NEVER get to such a state at any top club with aspirations of success where they are forced to play so many rookies in only their second league game of the season. Rumours that next season's kit suppliers will be Pampers have been dismissed as gross exaggeration. This team is was so young that the wet surface at the weekend was said to be 30% rain and 70% afterbirth. Naturally, this inexperience was to be their undoing as Frimpong picked up the three thousand four hundred and seventy-sixth Arsenal red card under Wenger's management [citation needed], while Miquel and Aaron Ramsey, 20, conspired to score one the most comical own goals this side of Frank Sinclair. Substitute Luis Suarez soon made it two to send the scousers home happy.

This game taught us nothing about Arsenal. The team is in undoubtedly in a state of freefall and need to address their problems sharpish or else, like Tara Reid, the damage may well prove irreparable.



Liverpool may well be encouraged by the scoreline but in truth, it flattered them. Nothing in their performance suggested they will be anywhere near a title challenge this season. This simple fact of the matter is that any team worth their salt should be beating the depleted imitation of a football team that Arsenal put out. The reds needed the helping hand in the form of a red card and an own goal to send them on their way. Suarez was clearly offside in the build up to the second as well. Eleven v eleven they offered nothing and were it not for these mitigating factors, they wouldn't have won the game. This gifted win doesn't disguise the fact that they looked second rate against a crap side.

So much hype has surrounded the players brought in by Kenny Dalglish but it would be disingenuous to even feign satisfaction with their performances. Stuart Downing got very little joy against the rookie Jenkinson while you would forgiven for thinking Charlie Adam had been huffing paint in the changing rooms pre-match such was the wayward inaccuracy of his “passing” (inverted commas mandatory). Jordan Henderson's impression of a professional footballer was so bad it was almost funny. The youngster must have had it in his head he was actually playing for Arsenal given his ineffectiveness for the Reds and seeming generosity towards anyone in a red shirt.

This was about the easiest match Liverpool could have asked for and they still laboured to victory. I imagine that anyone who thought this was anything near a decent performance still probably believes in the tooth fairy too. But then again, never underestimate the power of a Liverpool fan's delusion.

Equally unimpressive, and providing no evidence to suggest this will be nothing other than a two horse race for title between the Manchester clubs, were Chelsea who scraped a 2-1 win at home to West Brom. The Baggies have acquitted themselves well in their opening two games and were unfortunate, like last week against Man United, to come away from West London with nothing. Wearing a red change kit that resembled that of the British and Irish Lions, Woy's team played with a similar amount of heart as their egg-chasing doppelgängers. Shane Long gave them an early lead after a mistake by Alex and such was their control, Andre Villas Boas was forced into a early change as Florent Malouda replaced Solomon Kalou after just 34 minutes. Given that the Frenchman went on to score the winning goal, you have to say the new Chelsea gaffer actually earned his corn with that decision. Before that however, the Blues were extremely fortunate to draw level. There was little wrong with Nicolas Anelka's narrow-angled finish but there is certainly an argument that the ref ought to have stopped play to book Frank Lampard for a dive in the build up that would have made Tom Daley proud. Given that he was guilty of something similar against Stoke last week, one would hope people will start Lamp-basting 'Fwank' in the same way as foreign culprits. Somehow I doubt it.

In the Northeast, Sunderland and Newcastle were doing their very best to replicate a typical night out in the region in a game that featured the most needlessly aggressive, ill-tempered, borderline criminal acts of violence you are likely to see outside of the recent rioting across the country. The game itself was settled by a Ryan Taylor free kick as Newcastle beat their rivals 1-0 but the result doesn't even begin to tell the story of the game.

Of course, we all get the fact that local derbies are supposed to be highly charged affairs but that doesn't excuse some of the behaviour at the stadium of light.

Not for the first time, a game officiated by Howard Webb was allowed to get out of hand because he 'allows the game to flow'. As I'm sure I've said here before, there's a fine line between not being a card happy militant and bottling big decisions. Webb, in my eyes, is afraid to court controversy and would rather let misdemeanours go unpunished than make a decision that would change the complexion of the game. Yes, he did eventually send off Phil Bardsley for one of the worst tackles you ever see anywhere but not before allowing Yohan Cabaye and the mind-bogglingly awful Lee Catermole to get away with similarly bad challenges. If he laid down the law early on then maybe the encounter wouldn't have descended into the farce that it did.



Webb also missed one of the most blatant acts of cheating by Seb Larsson who handled a goal bound Joey Barton effort off the line and the proceeded to try and tell the officials that the ball hit his face. Some would call it Karmic retribution after Barton's own cheating last week. How do you like them apples?

The Roberto Martinez derby between former club Swansea and current club Wigan finished goalless but based on the highlights looked a far more entertaining match than either of the televised games on the day. I won't waste any time patronising the Swans with the kind of regurgitated clichés about how they like to “get the ball down and play” (copyright Mark Lawrenson) as I'm sure you can find such laboured reportage elsewhere. Wigan could have taken the spoils when Ben Watson was given a chance from the spot in the second half but the Welsh side's new keeper Michel Vorm was equal to it. The big Dutchman has had an impressive start to his Premier League career - Certainly more so than a certain Spanish stopper over in Salford. A strange conclusion to draw given he was on the receiving end of a 4 goal hammering on his debut last Monday. Anyone who saw the game however would know that Vorm performed some minor heroics to keep the scoreline in single figures. There is no doubt whatsoever that Swansea will be involved in a relegation battle but if the form of their new man between the sticks can continue, then, like this week, more precious points could be preserved as the season goes on.

Comedy club Blackburn were beaten 3-1 by Aston Villa. It says a lot about the dire straits Rovers find themselves in that an Alex McLeish team was able to score three goals in match and that the usually conservative Scotsman was bold enough to deploy three strikers – all of whom scored. That's two defeats out of two for Steve Kean. It's almost enough to drive one to drink....

Shock result of the weekend came at Goodison Park as penny-pinching paupers Everton were beaten 1-0 by newly promoted, but not very good Queen's Park Rangers. The goal was scored by Tommy Smith following an error by Phil Jagielka that should make him a shoe-in for the Arsenal defence he was rumoured to be joining. While the outcome was unexpected, it just seems to follow the same narrative we've been used to from The Toffees for many a year now. A poor start usually followed by a good run midseason and a fairly strong latter half of the campaign rightfully finishing in the top seven. Considering they have kept the core of their squad this summer, there is little to suggest that this same scenario will not pan out in exactly the same way.

As for Rangers, there was always the fear after the opening day massacre at Loftus Road last week that they could struggle badly in the top flight and run the risk of sinking without trace. You could imagine Neil Warnock crying himself to sleep every night at the prospect of having to go to Anfield, Stamford Bridge etc having to rely on the likes of Fitz Hall and Bradley Orr. Since that day however, things have gone horribly right as Malaysian bigwig Tony Fernandes bought 66% of the club made all kinds of noises about investment and the like. In the week or so remaining before the transfer window shuts, you imagine Big Tone will open his wallet and bring in some useful reinforcements. A good week for the hoops was capped off with Smith's winner on Merseyside meaning they are currently not the worst London team in the League.

That 'honour' belongs to the abovementioned Arsenal at present.

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Weekend Observations - Day One. 13th August 2011

New season, same old stories.

Not for the first time, Joey Barton is the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. If Barton exhales in an open space his CO2 would have enough concentrated rage to start a small fire. When Barton goes for a piss, his urine gets charged with GHB against the sewage systems throughout Britain. His inability to stay out of trouble has become so ridiculous that most people are just fed up with him.

After last season's extraordinary 4-4 draw, how predictable was it that was going to be a tediously dull 0-0 draw? As the snoozefest between Arsenal and Newcastle was drawing to a close, the Gunners' Ivorian summer signing Gervinho made a break into the penalty area and went down. At first look I said 'dive' but consequently replays have been inconclusive. I'm going to plonk my arse firmly on the fence and say that you could make an argument either way. Many people have decided that the apparent trip by Tiote was indeed enough to warrant a spot kick but our very own Shakespearean tragic hero didn't quite see it that way...



Filled with the kind of indignation and rage that would probably cause one to stick a cigar in someones eye or assault someone in McDonalds, Barton raced over to the floored Arsenal man and dragged him to his feet prompting 'handbags' the end result seeing Gervinho sent off after slapping the psychotic scouser. A 'slap' that Barton reacted to be claiming he had been punched and throwing himself to the ground so hard he briefly popped up in Australia. Yes, his reaction to a ‘dive’ was to dive himself and get someone sent off. Irony at it's absolute best/worst.

Earlier in the game, Barton was involved in another moment of controversy when Arsenal's Alex Song appeared to, quite deliberately, tread on the back of the Newcastle man's calf. I'd like to think Song said “tweet this, you mug” or “Song 3:16 says I just kicked your ass!” or something similar. Now, even sat in a Holloway road flat, kissing a signed Ian Selley photo, clutching a Gunnersaurus stuffed toy while watching through the most rose tinted of glasses, there isn't a gooner on the planet who can deny Song was lucky not to be sent off. There is no question about that. I expect retrospective action and a three game ban is not far off. As what was actually the worst offence of the day, this would have been the main talking point and made for a rare occasion where one would actually sympathise with Barton. Sadly, as is his wont, he insisted on being an idiot once more. It's impossible to have any sympathy when the sinned in turn becomes the sinner.

Don't get me wrong, Gervinho deserved to see red. As the laws of the game dictate: “A player is guilty of violent conduct if he uses excessive force or brutality against an opponent when not challenging for the ball.”

Sadly, in football, what the Arsenal man did somehow constitutes “violent conduct”. I personally don’t think a feeble slap counts as “excessive force or brutality” but then again, I would also like not to think of myself as a total pussy. Rules is rules though and at the end of the day, who am I to argue? But this does not excuse Barton's behaviour. His initial show of aggression was at least as bad as Gervinho's and therefore the punishment should have been the same. The pictures clearly show him almost ripping the shirt off the Ivorian’s back. If the Arsenal man is guilty of “excessive force” then so is Barton. 100%. How he only got away with a yellow is simply scandalous.

What right does he have to think he can take the law into his own hands? He couldn't have inflamed the situation anymore if he doused the entire stadium in kerosene and lit one of his infamous cigars. His shameful play-acting afterwards was an affront to any contact sport you could care to mention let alone football. To then claim a punch was laughable. Especially given his own expertise on what actually constitutes punching.

His teammate Steven Taylor was seen to suggest to the referee that it was an elbow that floored Barton. Yes, THIS Steven Taylor. Not exactly the most credible of witnesses.

Almost as disappointing as the dishonesty and behaviour of the players was the immediate aftermath on ESPN. Rebbecca Lowe had a great opportunity to ask Taylor why he blatantly lied but allowed him to squirm his way out of explaining his act of cheating. How can she expect to be respected as a journalist if she is afraid to ask tough questions? Then there was the post-match analysis. Ray Stubbs was once considered one of the finest broadcasters out there but seems to have reduced himself to nothing more than an antagonistic foghorn by trying to justify Barton's actions because of Song's stamp. Didn't his mother ever tell him that Robbie Savage was predictably tiresome in his own criticisms of Barton when he claimed himself to be “one of the dirtiest players in the history of the Premier League” as if that is something to be proud of or it is some sort of competition.

All in all, not one person involved came out with any credit. I won’t even go into what both managers said. The controversies also deflect talk away from how awful the rest of the match was. After the summer-long wait for the start of the Premier League, this first televised match was about as redundant an 'advert for the game' as inviting David Starkey to the Notting Hill carnival in a couple of weeks. If I was watching this in mortuary, I would expect one of the corpses to punch my in the face for subjecting them to this abuse. Arsenal showed very little to convince those that think this will be the first time under Monsieur Wenger that they wont finish in the coverted Champions League spots that they are wrong.

Before his sending off, Gervinho was the most lively player for the away team who dominated from start to finish. But for all their possession both player and team alike failed to produce anything vaguely resembling end product. Same old Arsenal and all that. The Ivorian now faces a three game ban and with both Nasri and Fabregas standing at the door of the Emirates with their bags packed and waiting for the cab to arrive, Wenger might have to take the advice of travelling gooners who spent much of the second half demanding that their manager “spend some fucking money”. With games against Man Utd and Liverpool to come as well as the crucial two legged Champions League qualifier against Udinese all in the next fortnight, Arsenal's season could be in grave danger of ending before it has even begun.

A final word on the gunners. At the end of the game, the players seemed happy enough to shake hands with Barton. Compare this to the reaction to Ruud van Nistelrooy back in 2003. Not that you can condone what Martin Keown et al did at Old Trafford that day but the contrasting attitudes are telling. That was a strong, determined team who were quite literally prepared to show some fight. It's no surprise that team went on to win the title without losing a game while this side of softies is more than likely going to finish the season empty handed for the seventh successive year.

Newcastle too were poor. Chasing shadows from first minute to last and very much second best on home turf. There were little to no encouraging signs for a team that looks destined to fade into midtable/lower half obscurity. Maybe it was just the sound on my TV but even the so-called best fans in the world seem numbed by the dross Pardew is serving them these days. I'd even go as far as to say another relegation is not unthinkable. You heard it here first!

Elsewhere on the opening day, a number of unremarkable results made us wonder why we've been looking forward to this day for so long. Liverpool, who will be hoping to usurp the likes of Arsenal in the top four didn’t really show a great deal to suggest they will following a 1-1 home draw with Sunderland in a game where both sides featured more new faces than a budget cosmetic surgery (unfortunately none of these new faces belonged to Dirk Kuyt).

The main talking point from the game was whether Kieran Richardson should have stayed on the pitch after fouling the fantastic Luis Suarez early on and conceding a penalty. Again, going back to the old FIFA laws, “denying an obvious goal-scoring opportunity” is offence punishable by s sending off. However, referees must consider certain circumstances such as “direction of play” and this is where Richardson gets his reprieve. That said, even though Suarez was going “away” from the goal, the fact he was on his way around the keeper and opening up the goal for himself, it was probably still enough of a goal-scoring opportunity for the Sunderland man to see red without much complaint. The law is an ass!

This game also saw the goal of the weekend scored by Sunderland’s new man Seb Larsson. A superb right footed scissor kick volley from inside the area from a Ahmed Elmohamady cross on the right. For all the daft money spent on players these days, it’s remarkable that a free transfer like Larsson can slip under the radar. Very surprised more clubs didn’t look at him.




Alex McLiesh took his Aston Villa side to Fulham and successfully led them to the first of many 0-0 draws in his inevitably unspectacular tenure there. There was more action at White Hart Lane where Spurs v Everton had actually been postponed due to the riots in the area that you may have heard of presuming you don't live on Neptune. Speaking of which, there's been a lot of talk this week about how best to deal with the looters and rioters up and down the country. I reckon a mandatory season ticket at Villa Park this season would be a fitting punishment. I'd rather be waterboarded. Seriously.

To think that almost two years to day, Norwich City were starting their season in League One with a 7-1 home defeat to Colchester. Rather than try and get the U’s manager that day convicted of some form of brutal sexual assault, the Canaries did the next best thing and hired Paul Lambert instead. Two years and two successive promotions later, Norwich kicked off their Premier League campaign with a 1-1 draw at Wigan. Both teams are expected to be in the proverbial relegation dogfight this season so, as absurd as it sounds, this match was still essentially a big six pointer and a chance to lay down something of a marker at that bottom end of the table. A point was probably better for Norwich given they were the away side. Wigan now face other expected strugglers Swansea and QPR in the next couple of weeks. Failure to get results in those games will see them playing catch up very, very early on in the season.

Similarly, Wolves picked up a vital 2-1 win over poultry enthusiasts Blackburn Rovers. McCarthy’s problem last year was the fact that his side could beat the big boys then struggle against the teams around them. This time around I’m sure they would prefer to reverse this pattern and not have to got through another nervy end to the season where they survive by the skin of their teeth. As for Blackburn, if Steve Kean isn’t given a one way ticket out of Lancashire anytime soon, the Venky’s will find themselves in a right clucking state as they plummet straight down to the Championship. Sorry.



Rooted to the bottom after the first day’s play are newly promoted QPR who were thumped 4-0 at home by Bolton. A defence made up of Fitz Hall, Clint Hill, Danny Gabbidon and Bradley Orr might serve you well in the Championship but the top flight is a whole different ball game. Investment is needed at the club, particularly in defence or else Loftus Road’s experience of hosting Premier League football will be a fleeting one. In the least predictable occurrence of the day, Rangers’ new signing Kieron Dyer was stretchered off injured after just 8 minutes. Hard not to feel sorry for him. It must be difficult trying to play sport when your bones are made of polystyrene and your tendons of wet tissue.

More to follow. In the meantime, hit me up on Twitter

Weekend Observations 16th-17th January 2010

1. Blunderland

As impressive as it may have appeared on the surface to see CSKA Fulham publicly violate Sunderland on Saturday, I have little problem taking credit away from the home side as they were assisted by a side who were clearly filming an instructional video for children about how not to defend. Either that or they were auditioning for some kind of travelling circus. Either way, to say that they gave Chelsea a helping hand on their way to such an emphatic victory would certainly not be overstating matters. With the exception of Ashley Cole's one-off moment of genius (Spit!) each of the other six goals were just examples of extremely piss-poor play from the visitors. From Fulop coming miles out to flap at crosses to the inability of any one the Mackem back four to grasp the concepts of closing down, cutting out crosses or man-marking, I actually think they were lucky to get away with only conceding the seven given the other chances missed by 'Tha Bloos'. The old saying goes that you can only beat what is put in front of you. It's a shame Steve Bruce decided to put NOTHING in front of Ancelotti's team. I feel sorry for the fans personally.

And to think Lorik Cana was once linked with a move to Arsenal...


2. A Laws onto himself

As a young pup I always remember hearing good things about Brian Laws in the Nottingham Forest team of the early 1990s. I'd be lying if I said I had any vivid memories of any particular game he played in but as one of those people who was supposed to be quite good, I've always kind of had respect for him. As a manager, ignoring a rather amusing incident involving a plate of chicken wings, he had a fairly successful time at Scunthorpe down the years and up until recently, had a steady if unspectacular stint in charge of a Sheffield Wednesday side without a pot to piss in.

Like anyone who played under Brian Clough, he has been compared to and somehow expected to replicate the successes of the great man. Of course, such expectation is almost fantastical. Having been sacked from Wednesday, many would question the logic of even giving him a job in the top flight. This is the flipside of the idea that English managers do not get enough opportunities at the top level. There seems to be something quite perverse about rewarding a manager who was sacked for struggling with a Championship club, with a Premier League job.

That said, up until his side conceded the first goal at Old Trafford, Laws could have been well on his way orchestrating a real shock in the backyard of the champions. Burnley's profligacy in front of goal is what cost them rather than any sense of being overawed or overrun by a superior side. Play like that against teams lower down the league and Laws could both keep Burnley up and enhance his own rep as a manager.

Also, I feel I must point out this interesting (or not) statistic.


3. Top Fear?

Maybe I'll be proved wrong down the line but the top three positions look pretty certain. It's just a case of what order Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United will finish. This leaves the much sought after fourth and final Champions league qualifying place up for grabs with four teams very much in contention. However, Spurs, Man City, Villa and Liverpool all stumbled this weekend, which begs the question, do any of these teams deserve to mix it with the big boys? Spurs have now dropped points AT HOME against Hull, Wolves and Stoke this season. Any team with serious Champions League aspirations should do better than one point from a possible nine against such opposition (no disrespect intended blah, blah, blah etc).

Once more, it's too early to judge Mancini and what impact he will make at City but regardless of who is charge, given the cost of the side (yes, money will ALWAYS be the barometer that they are measured by), the succession of draws at the tail end of Hughes' tenure as well being made to look so ordinary by Everton this weekend indicate that while they will go on to dominate English and probably European football one day, questions remain over whether they are good enough this season to achieve their much publicised 'targets'.

Villa fans were quick to claim that last season the squad was not equipped enough to sustain any reasonable challenge over the course of an entire season. An unconvincing performance at home to a very poor West Ham side would suggest that the insecurities of 12 months ago still remain.

Liverpool's problems are too tedious to document here and now. It's been done to death everywhere else.


4. Four-Ever?
Everton could have included themselves among that group of teams chasing fourth spot but for a combination of injuries and dodgy form this season. Over the last few seasons, Moyes' team have shown what they are capable of – including reaching last season's FA Cup final – and the performances over the last two weeks against Arsenal (where they should have come away with 3 points) and Man City (who they absolutely battered with little remorse) as well as the battling draw against Chelsea a while back would suggest they would not be out of place amongst the upper echelons of the division.

Some consistency between now and the end of the season should see them through to a strong finish and if the aforementioned top four pretenders continue to stutter then who knows?


5. Good to see refs taking action on diving... despite being wrong

During Liverpool's match at Stoke, Lucas was adjudged to have dived in an incident that supposedly 27,000 people could see was a penalty. I'm not going to go into whether Lee Mason was right or wrong in not giving a spot kick but rather praise the official for producing a yellow card for for what in his eyes was an attempt to con him into giving a penalty. Mark Clattenburg recently gave Craig Bellamy a second yellow card for a similar offence and did so again last week when he felt Gabriel Agbonlahor had dived. Interestingly, all three decisions were probably wrong but it is certainly refreshing to see that refs are not shy in punishing perceived cheats. Long may it continue and hopefully it will discourage players from throwing themselves to the turf so liberally.


6. Trastornar el carro de Apple?

I've literally just finished watching the evening game from La Liga on Sky which saw Valencia demolish Villarreal 4-1. The shit-hot David Villa bagging a brace with Eva Banega and David Silva grabbing the others. The home side also had two goals wrongly disallowed for offside as well as missing countless opportunities to make the result all the more embarrassing for the team in yellow. For those that don't follow the Spanish championship too closely, Valencia are a team for whom trouble seems to be around every corner, they have been through a number of managers in recent years, are no strangers to player and boardroom unrest, oh and they have financial problems that would make Lehman Brothers blush. Despite all that, they have an abundance of talented players and are making serious waves in the title race this season. When people look at the Primera Liga, it's hard to look past the all-conquering Barcelona and the Galacticos of Real Madrid. However, with the latter slipping up this week and Barcelona arguably not as dominant as last season, there is certainly a realistic possibility Valencia could upset the proverbial apple cart or some other cliché and steal the title from under their noses. Stranger things have happened (currently a massive 40/1 at Bet 365).


7. Quite Preposterous Really

Like Valencia, West London's finest are no stranger's to controversy. The team has suffered from a lack of stability for quite some time and have not been helped by a seemingly trigger happy board that change managers more often than the normal man changes his boxers. Just last week Paul Hart was given the boot... sorry, "parted company" with the club after just five games in charge. I seriously believe my years of Championship Manager/Football Manager experience means that they should at least give me a week in the job. I mean, they've tried everyone else, haven't they? In all seriousness, it seems that the expectations of the powers that be far exceed anything that exists in footballing reality. They need to remember firstly that they haven't been a Premier League side for many moons now and to even get back there will take time and more importantly, continuity (that is not sacking a manager every six weeks). But of course, maybe I'm expecting too much from someone like Flavio Briatore whose rumoured overbearing control seems to be a hindrance to the club rather than a help.


8. Africa Cr*p of Nations

I've been watching this competition with some interest (COME ON THE SUPER EAGLES!!) over the last week. I'll try and sum up what I've seen so far in the most concise and accurate way possible: While it has been entertaining, the defending in this competition is awful. God awful. There have always been suggestions that what African football has in flair and strength, it lacks (quite glaringly) in defensive discipline and organisation. Some would suggest this is unfair, ignorant and somewhat offensive. Anyone with Eurosport would not! That is all.


9. And finally...

I'm not a fan of the new low-angled main cameras for televised games at the Reebok stadium.

The Managerial Merry-Go-Round

Back when Baddiel and Skinner were funny, their much-loved Fantasy Football show featured a sketch called the managerial merry-go-round. The basic premise of which saw a currently unemployed manager aimlessly going round and round on a deserted fairground carousel.

It was hardly the height of comedy nor the funniest thing on their show (That will forever remain the momment when Statto does a Cantona into the crowd).

My point? None really. Just felt the need for some form of introduction to this piece.

The last week has seen a spate of managerial changes which may have far reaching effects as far as the rest of this season develops.

Lets start at White Hart Lane. Much has been said about the treatment of now former manager Martin Jol and how inappropriately his inevetable sacking was handled by the Spurs board so I wont regurgitate what has no doubt said over and over again in recent weeks. What I will say is that Martin Jol is not completely innocent in all of this. In the summer, the big Dutchman emphatically proclaimed that Spurs would be making waves this season and the only logical progression from years gone by would be qualification for the much sought after Champions league.

Tottenham fans have a lot of affection for Jol and it's easy to turn on the board after the alleged first contact with Juande Ramos. However, Jol unfortunately showed his limitations as a manager by not being able to cope once the heat was turned up on him a little. Tottenham have performed poorly against opposition they feel they should be beating (The surrender against Newcastle last week could have warrented a sacking in itself). That can not be blamed on Levy, Comolli or anyone else. The sign of a good manager would be to ride the wave when the pressure is on. BMJ failed spectacularly in this respect and it's good he got out now before the damage was irrepairable. I was on his side for a while a truly believed he was made of stronger stuff.

And so to his replacement. Juande Ramos has been a revelation in Spain, having led Seville to the brink of the Spanish title, back to back UEFA cups and a place in this season's Champions League, the Spaniard's stock had risen considerably and it's no shock Spurs were so keen to get him in after his record over the last 3 years.

But what before that? Ramos was just your typical run of the mill mid-table manager in Spain before Seville. Successes were few and far between in his career and his almost immediate fall-out with the directors at Espanyol has been well publisised and leaves people to wonder how long or whether at all he would put up with the Levy's and Comolli's and their alleged interferances at WHL.

Ramos has a big job on his hands and unless the Tottenham board can harbour some realistic aspirations in the short term at least then I fear in couple of years we will all be talking about yet another false dawn in the white half of North London.

Staying in Spain, Ramos' old side thumped championship hopefuls Valencia 3-0 at the weekend signaling the end of the road for Los Ches manager Quique Sanchez Flores. Valencia have not had the same man in charge for more than 3 years since the seventies and are constantly subject to stories of in-fighting between the board, management and first-team personel. This from a side that has won 2 Spanish league titles, the UEFA Cup and reached the Champions league final TWICE this decade. It seems like it will be Ronald Koeman (Who, incidently, is set to be replaced at PSV by Martin Jol!!! That's why they call it a merry-go-round!) who will taking the hot seat at The Mestialla although there were rumours that the club were looking at the possibility of brining in Jose Mourinho as a replacement. Imagine the fireworks!!!

Back home, in the doldrums of the Championship, QPR have appointed little known Italian Luigi di Canio to help steer them out of relegation trouble. I'm not entirely sure that anyone really knows what Bernie Ecclestone and Flavio Briatore are planning down at Loftus Road but the first step obviously is to make sure they are still playing championship football next season and for some reason they see Di Canio as the man to do it.

The big question is why Mick Harford wasn't kept on considering the job he's done turning the team's fortunes around in the last month or so.

Norwich, gearing up for their big Old FARM derby against Ipswich on Sunday, have appointed Glen Roeder as their manager. If i'm being kind, i'd say that Roeder has a fairly unspectacular CV to date. The Inter-two-bob Cup with Newcastle is about the sum total of his achievements. After bright starts at Watford, West Ham and the Geordies, Reoder seems to get his sides to almost sink without trace - relegating the former two in his respective second seasons with both.

It seems like a desperate appointment by Norwich. They've seen a guy with Premiership experience and taken the plunge. Unfortunately, this doesn't tell you the whole story about the man. Roeder isn't the kind of manager who is able to rouse a struggling team low on confidence and quality. He also strikes me as a man who loses a dressing room very easily when things aren't necessarily going his way. Let's not forget that he struggled with a West Ham side containing the talents of Di Canio, Kanuote, James, Defoe and Carrick etc. He's hardly likely to fair much better with the far from prolific Chris Brown in his side.

So, how will each fair? The most important thing for Tottenham is patience. Rome was not built in a day and Spurs will not be 'great' in just 6 months. If Ramos is left to work without the added pressure from upstairs then he may well turn the club's fortunes around.

Valencia cant seem to do without politics and in-fighting and this will continue regardless of who they bring in. Far from being a bad side however, they will still always be there or thereabouts both in Spain and in Europe (Every season, I still always back them to get to a Champions League final and get it right! Granted things aren't looking so good right now but I'm keeping the faith).

In a few years time we may well all be talking about QPR as a top premiership side after much investment from the F1 guys but for now, thier priority is to avoid relegation. Di Canio has experienced this kind of thing before with Siena and Reggina in Serie A and should the typical unpredictability of the Championship work in their favour, a few wins before xmas could see Rangers out of trouble reletively soon. Norwich? Roeder has a huge task. Unfortunately for the Canaries, his previous record would suggest he's not up to it and sadly, they may well be playing in League one next season.

Finally, a word on Gary Megson at Bolton. Having had to put up with his idea of 'football' for a while when watching Nottingham Forest quite regularly a few years back, I can only say that Bolton Wanderers are doomed!

In Attendance: QPR vs Norwich City @ Loftus Road, Monday 8th October 2007

Norwich City finished in the top three of the premier league in it’s inaugural season. Just two places beneath them, in fifth place, finished Queens Park Rangers. The remarkable feat of these achievements of these two admittedly unglamorous sides is further emphasised by the fact they finished above all four of Liverpool, Arsenal, Spurs and Chelsea. Chris Sutton was the main man at Carrow Road while the free-scoring Les Ferdinand will go down as a legend for the superhoops.

How both teams could have done with their former heroes in this game...

When I agreed to attend this match with two of my Norwich supporting friends and their Norwich supporting Dads, the Championship season was still young. The Canaries were flirting with inconsistency and QPR had started sluggishly. By the time I got on the Central line train heading to White City on this mild Monday night, QPR were rock bottom with only 3 draws to their name while Norwich arrived having not scored in their previous five games.

Naturally I was expecting an 8-goal thriller.

Upon arriving at White City, I gave my mate ‘Bruce Lee’ a call.

Me: Where are you mate?
Bruce: In a pub called The Springbok.
Me: How do I get there?
Bruce: Follow the crowd and you can’t miss it.

Much to my dismay, this would be the first football match I would ever attend where the term ‘crowd’ was being applied very, very generously. I must have followed about a dozen people on my way to the ground. I guess though, when you’re languishing at the tail end of the Championship, enthusiasm to go games isn’t quite there.

After meeting the Norwich contingent at the pub and picking up a programme, we ambled our way to the ground. Think about the atmosphere, the anticipation, the general aura of excitement that is always present as you approach a football ground on matchday. None of that was present at Loftus Road.

We found our seats in the Norwich end. Great view. Right behind the goal in the upper tier. Far more generous than tucking fans away in the corners (Premiership clubs take note – That said, Loftus Road’s corners had about 3 seats in them and mostly consisted of wall!).

The game kicked off promptly. Both teams approached with a sense of caution evidenced by the fact both sides decided to pack the midfield. The home side focused their play down the wings with Rowan Vine and the lively Hogan Ephraim trying their best to take advantage of the space in wide areas. Norwich on the other hand felt their best bet was to hoof the ball over the top and hope that the aging Darren Huckerby could latch onto the pass. A hopeless idea that was doomed to failure from the start.

Every Rangers cross was met by the head of the Norwich’s veteran Striker cum defender Dion Dublin. This was followed by Norwich attempting a long ball.

A poor first half laden with misplaced passes was summed up when one of the Rangers defenders under no pressure from anyone, hoofed the ball in the air so high and hard it came back down vertically five yards in front of him. Me and my other mate ‘Desperate Dan’ actually managed to have a conversation about the poor quality advertising hoardings, for five minutes! Yes, it was that bad! One pass was greeted with a collective groan by both sets of supporters. This was followed by Norwich attempting a long ball.

As the first half drew to a close, I couldn’t even amuse myself by checking any of the other scores as this was the only game on at the time. The second half began no better and within a minute, Canaries left back Adam Drury skewed a clearance high into the stands. I’m certain he was attempting a long ball.

Rangers admittedly did step up a bit and put a now Dublin-less Norwich defence under a bit of pressure. Martin Rowlands was given a free run to goal and struck the foot of the post with a shot. This was followed by Norwich attempting a long ball.

This roused a previously noiseless home crowd. Some City fans attempted a few renditions of ‘On The Ball City’ but I think most of them feared the worst when their side could only respond by attempting another long ball.

The worst wasn’t far off. The Yellows decided that they needed to replace Scottish midfielder Simon Lappin, who spent the entire evening slipping and falling on his arse, with David Strihavka – the first Czech to ever play for Norwich. How do I know this? I looked it up in the programme as he was coming on and Norwich were attempting another long ball.

As I was reading however, a roar went up from the home crowd. Penalty! Would you believe it? The first (and ultimately only) interesting part of the game and I missed it. Rowan Vine (who incidentally went to the same school as Bruce) had been tripped. Apparently the decision was dubious to say the least.

Martin Rowlands made no mistake from 12 yards and the home fans went delirious. Norwich had never looked like scoring and a couple of fans decided to leave at this stage. You know things are bad when, with 20 minutes left against the bottom side, fans have no faith in their team pulling it back.

All of a sudden football broke out from Rangers. They were trying pot-shots and even forced David Marshall in the Norwich goal into a few saves. Norwich responded with another attempted long ball.

Darel Russell, playing centre-mid for the yellows gave the ball away for the 12 hundredth time and the portly Lee Croft was constantly offside. Manger Peter Grant was on the touchline looking pretty animated (presumably telling his team to play it long).

Chris Brown was thrown on. This infuriated the Norwich fans around me. His tally of no goals in his previous 8 games made this reaction understandable. He did however, win a couple of flick-ons from yet another Norwich long ball. This meant nothing as he was flicking it on to no-one.

The awful Russell finally had a shot in the 85th minute which had the Canary fans around me greeted with the loudest sarcastic applause you are ever likely to hear at a football ground.

The final whistle finally came and the Norwich, players and management were bombarded with abuse from some angry East Anglians. One guy was so mad, one would have thought Peter Grant had sodomised a member of his family or something. QPR’s first win on the other hand was celebrated like a world cup win.

As a neutral, I was despondent at the fact I would never see that £20 I spent on the game ever again.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no premiership snob. I’ve been to my fair share of lower league games and I’ve actually seen some pretty exciting and entertaining matches over the years. However, what I witnessed at Loftus Road was simply appalling. Two sides, lacking both in confidence and quality, trying in vain to get through 90 minutes of football without inducing a coma amongst the watching fans. And to think, this match was on Sky as well. Not a great advert for the beautiful game.

Final Score: Queens Park Rangers 1 – 0 Norwich City
Man Of The Match: Me for actually going even though I support neither side.
Att: 10,514