Fernan-D'OH! Weekend Observations 24th-26th September 2011: Part One

That Fernando Torres loves being centre of attention, doesn't he? Clint Eastwood may well sue the Spaniard for copyright infringement after the edited highlights of his past two games could well be compiled into a feature film that we could call The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. After all that happened at Old Trafford last weekend, one would think the former Liverpool man would endure a less eventful match in the more tranquil setting of Stamford Bridge and a home game against relegation fodder Swansea City. Despite the horrific finishing, the signs were evident against Manchester United that Nando was getting his proverbial mojo back. So it proved early on against the Swans as the £50million man received a delightful dinked pass from Juan Mata, brought the ball down, twisted like a he was dancing the Fandango and slotted it beyond his marker and Michel Vorm in goal.

If that was the good, and last week's sitter was the bad then the ugly was soon to follow. Two goals in two games should indicate something of a return to form. Unfortunately, he won't be able to continue this as later on in the half, Torres needlessly went flying into a two-footed tackle on Mark Gower earning himself a red card and a three game ban. Oops!



Brazilian Ramires, another Chelsea player guilty of unforgivable profligacy at Old Trafford, redeemed himself somewhat with a brace in the 4-1 win including a special double nutmeg with the shot for his first. One man who might not be too upset by Torres' imminent absence will be the returning Didier Drogba who iced the Chelsea cake with the fourth in the last minute.

A subplot in this narrative was the exclusion of Frank Lampard who was an unused substitute. After his non-existent performance against United last week (Old? Slow???) and Mr Villas-Boas clearly looking to build his own team, it wouldn't be outrageous to suggest, much to the happiness of the canteen staff, that Lumpy's days at Stamford Bridge could well be numbered. You heard it here first.

Chelsea are now 3 points behind the two Manchester Clubs at the top of the table. City ascended to the summit momentarily after a fairly straightforward 2-0 win over Everton where Tim Cahill was unable to continue his good form against the Eastlands club after being nobbled by Vincent Kompany in the second half. To be fair, you could quite easily argue that the Aussie was the aggressor with a pretty reckless tackle and that Kompany was simply trying to shield the ball. Had Cahill not gone to ground needlessly, he certainly wouldn't have been on the receiving end of any perceived stamp, intentional or otherwise, by the big Belgian.

Super Mario Balotelli scored his second goal in a week by way of a deflection off Phil Jagielka which makes me wonder yet again if he would have really been much of an improvement to the Arsenal defence he was rumoured to be joining over the summer. City's second via James Milner owed much to beauty of the assist by David Silva who must be cursing his luck that he was born in an era where he has to compete with the likes of Xavi, Iniesta and Fabregas for a place in the Spanish starting line up.

Crosstown rivals United regained first place despite dropping their first points of the season in a 1-1 draw at the Octagon... sorry, Britannia Stadium against Stoke City (U)FC. Peter Crouch cancelled out Luis Nani's brilliant opening goal in a game where United may have considered themselves victims of Stoke's typically heavy-handed approach (Chicharito and Patrice Evra will certainly be sporting a few more bruises after their trip to Staffordshire).

Stoke have been known to push the boundaries of what is acceptable on a football pitch but it would be lazy and unfair to ignore the fact that they gave a fairly decent account from themselves football-wise and responded well from the pasting they got against Sunderland last week. The abovementioned Crouch was a handful for both Phil Jones and, more worryingly for the Reds, Rio Ferdinand whose powers very much appear to be on the wane with each passing absence through injury. Thankfully for SurAlex, David De Gea once again showed his critics how premature they were to write him off so early in his United career with a few decent stops to preserve the point for the champions.

Completing the current top four are Newcastle. A Demba Ba hat trick in the 3-1 win over Blackburn left most of us scratching our heads as to how a team consisting of Leon Best, Peter Lovenkrands, Shola Ameobi, Ryan and Steven Taylor is still unbeaten so far this season. Dare I say, for what he has achieved thus far and considering the players that high-tailed it out of St. James' over the summer, Alan Pardew has probably been manager of the season so far. Now, excuse me while I go and watch my mouth out with soap.

Someone who probably doesn't even qualify as a manager at all was Pardew's opposite number at the weekend Steve Kean. The Blackburn boss can count his lucky stars to have faced a self-destructive Arsenal team that seemed insistent on beating themselves last week or else his side would be rooted to the foot of the table and he would more than likely be collecting his dole money this week.

Liverpool are back up to fifth after arresting their recent mini-slide with a 2-1 home win over Wolves in a game of contrasting fortunes for their two big January signings. The irrepressible Luis Suarez made a mockery of the Wolves defence scoring what proved to be the winner while the world's most expensive lamppost Andy Carroll continued to struggle. It's not his fault he cost so much money and he may yet come good eventually, but right now, the big Geordie just looks like an inconvenience on the pitch who is getting in the way of his more talented teammates. Kenny Dalglish was once again forced to come out and defend his record signing but you have to ask yourself if it's a case of the 'laddie' doth protest too much?

Sorry.

Part Two to follow

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Torr-id Times: Man Utd v Chelsea Observations - 18th September 2011

Rarely am I left speechless by something I see on the football pitch but it is actually difficult to put into words what we saw at Old Trafford on Sunday. Of course, I'm referring to that astonishing miss by a certain £50 million striker. For the only person on planet earth who hasn't seen it yet, during the second half of Manchester United's unconvincing 3-1 win over Chelsea, Fernando Torres, who had actually already grabbed the consolation and with a chance to reduce the arrears further, sprung the United offside trap, produced a beautiful step-over to fool fellow former Atletico player David De Gea in the reds goal, but with the empty net gaping wider than a lady adult film star at the end of a long and, ahem, fulfilling career, managed to slice the ball wide leaving literally everyone who saw it open-mouthed with astonishment. It was one of those moments that almost redefined the idea of going from the sublime to the ridiculous. Majestic skill followed by a "what the hell was that?" finish. It was basically the Godfather 3 of football.



Regardless of your feelings toward Chelsea, Torres or the colour blue, it was hard not to feel a tinge of sympathy for hapless striker. The Spaniard was having a fairly decent game and was actually doing a fairly decent impression of a footballer - Not just him but the rest of his teammates too.

All season long, and with good reason, every man, woman, child and dog with even a passing interest in English football has been heaping praise on the Salford based reds for what has been a pretty impressive looking start to the season. You could argue (and I will because it's MY blog!) that they hadn't really been tested in any of their opening four games. The meek surrender by the two North London clubs and Bolton last week were more a reflection of the failings of those three sides than any sort of superhuman ability of Sir Alex Ferguson's team. In fact, their toughest game was their opening fixture at the Hawthorns when, in truth, they were very fortunate to come away with three points.

Chelsea would be the first real stern test for United and so it proved in everything other than the final 3-1 scoreline. Chelsea passed the ball better and created more chances. But for some truly woeful finishing (see above) would have won this match comfortably.

Chris Smalling gave United the lead with a header that was so far offside that he may as well have been in another post code. Forget daylight, you could have fit the entire sun, moon and stars between the former Fulham man and the Chelsea back line. Jamie Redknapp spouted some nonsense on Sky about how the defenders are still obliged to follow the man in that situation. I personally don't see how it is possible to apportion any blame to the Blues who were trying to hold a defensive line. Something they did successfully and were robbed by the ref's assistant who may as well have been wearing a stripped shirt and carrying a bag with SWAG written on it...

But alas, if Karma does exist some cad might point out that Chelsea themselves were once the beneficiaries of refereeing incompetence at Old Trafford when Didier Drogba slammed home what turned out to be a title-deciding winning goal back in 2009.

Nani aka Michael Jackson circa Thriller days, launched a surface to air missile to make it 2-0 and Rooney grabbed his NINTH goal already this season after tapping in a third before half time after great work from the increasingly impressive Phil Jones. United's summer signing from Blackburn may or may not have then stood over John Terry and laughed maniacally as he pretty much confirmed his status as the new and improved version of the Chelsea man. The writing is on the wall. Jones could be replacing Terry in the England team in the not too distant future.

United went in at the half with a thoroughly undeserved 3-0 lead. I doubt you can find another example of a team with such a commanding lead having been second best for so long in the game. Chelsea could not have asked for a better start to the second half as sub Nicolas Anelka - who replaced the ineffective Frank Lampard - threaded a delightful pass to the abovementioned Torres who managed to net what some would argue was his first 'proper' goal in Chelsea colours. Yes, he scored against West Ham last season but Avram Grant's team was so bad I doubt that netting against them could be considered a real achievement.

The Spaniard's delightful, well taken, outside foot finish was the end of the scoring but far from the end of the incident. Time and time again we are told that the Premier League is the "best in the world" but you could have easily mistaken a lot of what took place in this game for a Sunday league match. And that's being unkind to anyone who has ever played Sunday league football! Chelsea and United players become involved in a battle of who could embarrass themselves more. After United were awarded a penalty for 'foul' on Nani, Wayne Rooney, who for my money had a very poor game given his recent great form, 'John Terry-d' it by falling over and slicing it so far wide it nearly ended up in the dugouts. 'Wazza' then somehow hit the post from three yards with what many may be described as the miss off the season surpassing Ramires' terrible first half effort when the Brazilian somehow manage to play his shot straight at De Gea when it would have actually been easier to score.

Then there was Fernando Torres (of course). While many will (rightly) talk about the open goal. The former Liverpool striker guilty of another glorious (?) miss not long before as he embarked on a stunning slaloming run leaving United defenders in his wake like some sort of effeminate, Spanish road-runner before unleashing a shot at De Gea but unfortunately sending the rebound somewhere between Mars and Jupiter.

Completing the programme of profligacy was substitute Dimitar Berbatov who was lucky to get anything at all on Wayne Rooney's terrible square ball but only succeeded in making it easy enough for Ashley Cole to clear off the line. Cashley himself shouldn't have even been on the pitch after a filthy, reckless, x-rated lunge on Javier Hernandez that could and should have resulted in a penalty and sending off. You could argue all you want about the technicality of the ball being out of play so no spot kick is awarded but there's no defending Cole's potential leg breaker. More daft technicalities mean no retrospective action can be taken. I've said it before and I'll say it again; The law is an ass!

What did this game ultimately teach us? Nothing we didn't know already, really. United are pretty deadly going forward and there are very few, if any defences in the division that will keep them at bay. The reds are far from limited in their approach either. All three goals against Chelsea were different. Set-piece, screamer, tap-in. You name it, United can score it. However, for all the praise heaped on them, they may well end up taking a sawn-off, pointing it right at their pinky toe and pulling the trigger. On another day facing a less broken striker, they may be punished for their lapses at the back. It says a great deal about their approach that they have conceded the most shots of any team in the league so far (Chelsea managed 22 alone). Surely logic would dictate that if they continue to be so inviting, a team will eventually start converting these chances and beat them.

Of course, not enough times to prevent them winning the league. But a couple of losses might make it vaguely interesting for the rest of us this time.

As for the Blues, I've given up making the mistake of writing them off and taking great joy out of any fleeting failing. Too many times I'm made to look foolish. Defeat at Old Trafford was far from a disaster and if they continue to play as well as they did and are a bit more clinical, then talk of a two-horse title race might be a tad premature. Talk of an aging side is hollow. On Sunday, only Frank Lampard and to some degree, John Terry looked like they were struggling to keep up with the game. The former in particular, I expect to be jettisoned from the starting XI before long. The talents of new boy Juan Mata and, believe me, Daniel Sturridge among others will not be supressed for long though. For all the furore surrounding Torres, it would be remiss of me to ignore the fact this was a much improved performance from him. Drogba is still waiting in the wings and you have to think that Michael Essien has a point to prove after a poor campaign last time around. Yes, Villas-Boas' team still looks like a work in progress but ominously, positive signs are there.

Be warned!

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Serg-ing Forward - Weekened Observations 14th-15th August 2011

A tale of three former Atletico Madrid players...

Well, I hate to say I told you so, didn't I? I'm pretty sure Sergio Aguero hasn't even unpacked his bags yet but in just a brief second half cameo at Eastlands on Monday, the little Argentine was already looking more at home in Manchester than half the cast of Coronation Street. 'Kun' was instrumental in Manchester City's comprehensive 4-0 win over Swansea helping himself to 2 goals and an assist as his 'welcome' to the Premier League proved to be far more fruitful than that of the Welsh side - his second goal in particular a thing of sheer erection-inspiring beauty.



Aguero not only made a mockery of the fabled 'settling in period' often said to be required by overseas players. He pretty much took the notion, doused it in petrol, attached a stick of dynamite & half-volleyed it straight into Mount Vesuvius. Very few debuts - as a substitute no less - have been more impressive. All of a sudden 38 million quid doesn't look so expensive.

Even people who had seen how good he was in Spain would be surprised at this instantaneous impact on English football. Needless to say he has not set the bar at near stratospheric levels. The expectation for repeat performances will be sky high. The sound of thousands of rattling keyboards up and down the country of people adding Aguero to the their fantasy football teams was probably about as loud as the cheers that greeted his stupendous long range strike.

It would be wise to stay grounded however. In the same way everyone is creaming over this performance, the criticisms will come in just as fast if he fails to repeat the heroics.

With all due respect to Swansea, this is a team many will be expecting to get relegated and we clearly tiring when Aguero was introduced. There's no sense in going too overboard here as many tougher tests will undoubtedly present themselves over the coming weeks/months. That said, there is little suggest that the little Argentine isn't up to the task.

Aguero aside, the multi-millionaires looked a great deal more like a team that has their eye on big prizes this season. Roberto Mancini certainly seems to have adopted a far more expansive approach than that which saw him labeled as 'negative' for much of last year. David Silva seemed to be at the heart of everything good City could conjure in an attacking sense while Yaya Toure's domination of the midfield actually looked quite frightening at times. Even Edin Dzeko looked lively and was duly rewarded with a goal for his efforts.

Again, it's hard to draw massive conclusions given they were playing a team with about as much Premier League experience as The Renford Rejects but there is no question that City have the best squad in the league. I see no reason at all why they shouldn't push United all the way in this season's title race.

Speaking of whom, the reds started their march towards a 20th Premier League crown on Sunday albeit with an unconvincing 2-1 away win at West Brom. I'm not sure how many times you can sit there and say "they weren't at their best, but they got the result". Remarkably, the champions scored twice despite only mustering one shot on goal. When a team underperforms you anticipate that one day they will eventually come unstuck. Not United. It almost seems as though winning without playing well is actually a deliberate tactic. I won't reel out the cliches about having a winning mentality because you can read about that elsewhere but it's difficult to deny the accuracy of this assessment. The worry again is how good will they be once again when they start playing well.

The match at the Hawthorns was a tale of two new signings. Ashley Young has slotted right into the United team. The former Villa man first assisted Wayne Rooney before forcing Steven Reid into conceding a crucial own goal that proved to be the winner. At the other end, David de Gea was busy doing his best Massimo Taibi impression as he allowed Baggies debutant Shane Long to score after allowing a shot to squirm under his body. Naturally this, along with his hairy moments in the Community Shield last week, has led to many, many criticisms of the former Atletico keeper with many writing him off already.



An overreaction perhaps? At 20 years old, to have even shown the ability to be considered good enough to start for the top team in the country suggests that he isn't quite the calamity many are already saying he is. Goalkeepers will always make mistakes. Young goalkeepers in particular. There isn't a keeper throughout history that has never dropped a major clanger. Watching the Spaniard last season, there was no doubt in my mind United had signed a great prospect. However, as I say, part of the learning process for young keepers will involve making mistakes and subsequently learning from them. Sir Alex only needs to cast his eye over to his old chum Arsene and the goalie problems at the Emirates to see that.

As such a fragile position, I've always questioned whether big sides with ambitions of winning trophies can ever really afford to take the risk of starting young keepers. Their errors will only serve to undermine any potential challenge. Between the sticks is the one area on the pitch where buying experienced, ready made players is an absolute necessity. If you are intent on nurturing a young keeper, loan moves away are surely the best option. That way he gets game time and crucially, is making the mistakes for someone else. If/when he's ready, then bring him back.

De Gea is clearly a very good goalkeeper but you have to wonder if he will sink or swim at Old Trafford. Between Peter Schmeichel and Edwin van der Sar, United have had two of the finest keepers since the inception of the Premier League. The young Spaniard will certainly have to some way before he is considered on equal footing with those two. Let's not forget the long list of failures that came between the Dane and the Dutchman who failed to make the grade. Someone ought to put a photo of Roy Carroll above De Gea's bed as a daily warning.

Also opening their campaign on Sunday were Chelsea whose 0-0 draw with Stoke was about as enjoyable as varicose veins. The game provided almost no noteworthy talking points. The home side provided the typical and expected physical menace that will make the Britannia a tough place to go to for number of away teams. Stoke's home ground is the equivalent of that dodgy pub you always fear going into because there's no guarantee you wont leave without a few shards of glass in your eye. That said, given their own physical prowess, Chelsea were able to stand up to any threat posed. Seeing John Terry and Ryan Shawcross 'marking' each other at set pieces was like watching two Silverback gorillas fighting over a banana.

All the talk beforehand was about new Chelsea manager Andre Villas Boas and what he will bring to this team. On evidence of Sunday, the answer would be very little. The blues were pretty much as they were under Carlo Ancelloti. There was no real difference in their approach. They still went about controlling the game in the same way but lacked anything productive in the final third. Anything they did manage to create, Asmir Begovic in the Stoke goal was equal to.

The much maligned Fernando Torres started ahead of Didier Drogba and actually looked like far more of a player than when he was lumbering around Stamford Bridge at the tail end of last season. The touch that deserted him seems to have returned. His off the ball movement and willingness to actually get involved in the game were all very encouraging but for all his endevour, he still couldn't score and if you spunk £50m on a striker, the least you should expect is for him to stick the ball in the back of the net.

Maybe he ought to watch Sergio Aguero to see how it's done.




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Fernando Torreble - Weekend Observations 12th-14th Feb 2011: Part Two

Part One here

Off the back of last week's Newcastle-Arsenal fiasco, Premier League fans were treated to another dramatic comeback at the Hawthorns as the game of the weekend saw West Ham come back from 3-0 down to draw 3-3 with fellow strugglers West Brom. Good old football! Another game of two halves as the Hammers were fairly abject for the 45 minutes and the Baggies decided to match that ineptitude in the second half. The managerless home side raced ahead and could have had more to show for their efforts before Hammers new boy Demba Ba intervened with a two goals on his full debut either side of a Carlton Cole header.

However, for all the excitement and drama, this was far from being a 'great advert for the English game', this match was a prime example of why both teams find themselves battling relegation. One or both will definitely be playing Championship football next season and deservedly so. The incoming Roy Hodgson will have a massive job on his hands if some of the "defending" by the home side is anything to go by.

On that note, West Brom might have the excuse that they didn't actually have a proper manager in charge for the game. But then again, West Ham could say the same thing. Apparently Scott Parker was the one responsible for the Straford bound club's Lazarus like resurrection after delivering a rousing dictum to the hapless hammers at half time.

Where was Avram at this stage? Presumably more concerned with trying to catch Dangermouse.

"That one-eyed rodent will probably still be better than Matthew Upson"

You've got to love a local derby. The passion, the excitement, the overwhelming and obsessive desire to get one over on your rivals. Sadly very little of any of the above was present in the St. Valentine's Day 0-0 stalemate between Fulham and Chelsea at Craven Cottage. Sky were keen to point out how many 'couples' were present at the game but given how bad it turned out to be, you have to wonder how many blokes have been dumped today following what had to be the worst Valentine's Day present ever.

The match mainly consisted of Chelsea dominating possession but very rarely actually taking the opportunity to test Mark Schwarzer in the Fulham goal. The home side were clearly only intent on trying to hit the Champions on the break. In the very last minute when you imagine many women were turning to their partners and asking disdainfully "THIS is what you do every other Saturday???", one of the Fulham breaks paid off as Clint Dempsey won a penalty that would have surely won the game for the Whites had he not decided to go all Gareth Southgate as Petr Cech saved it.

Aside from that solitary moment of late drama, the only other talking points were the contrasting performances of the Blues' two big January signings. Brazilian centre half David Luiz slotted into the Chelsea team with all the ease of plug into a socket and was the stand out man of the match by a country mile. Yes, even despite giving away the late penalty that almost cost his team the match. Luiz defended like his life depended on it and literally contributed to every decent move Chelsea had going forward.


"My hair's not so funny now, IS IT???"

Luiz emerging from the game as man of the match is both a reflection of how well he played overall and how poor every other player on the pitch was. Few performed poorer however than £50m man Fernando Torres who stunk the place up so bad they were handing out gas masks by the time the misfiring Spaniard was withdrawn on 70 minutes. Torres had a couple of decent chances in the first half that a player of his ability should ordinarily be burying. He must have left Merseyside in such a hurry that it seems as though he has forgotten his shooting boots, confidence and first touch. It's difficult to know if the chants of "What a waste of money" were only coming from the home fans...

In the midst of all the fuss over the Torres transfer, very few people seemed to notice that promising young striker Daniel Sturridge was bound, gagged and shoved in massive crate with 'Reebok Stadium, The North' written on the side. Chelsea may now be wondering why they bothered. Following two goals in his first two games for Bolton, Strurridge made it 3 from 3 after netting the decisive second goal in Wanderers 2-0 win over Everton.

It's going to be interesting to see what path Sturridge's career ultimately takes. A product of the Manchester City youth academy, Sturridge seems to have no trouble scoring at any level he's played at in his short career but has clearly suffered from a lack of opportunities to play first team football. This is surely not through any fault of his own it would seem but rather due to fact he has played for two clubs in the division who are bankrolled by billionaires and would rather spunk oodles of cash on big name strikers rather than allowing a hot prospect time to develop.

With Chelsea's current glut of forwards you struggle to see Sturridge ever making a breakthrough there and, far be it from me to ever start handing out advice to a Premier League footballer but he will probably have to move on to somewhere like Bolton for a few years to establish himself before returning to one the top sides in the league.

Everton's season continues to show all the consistency of a Biploar Disorder sufferer on a cocktail of ecstasy and LSD trying to work out if Come Fly With Me is funny or not. This latest defeat for the Toffees keeps them in the bottom half of the table and looking at a possible relegation battle. Looking at the squad David Moyes has and given everything they have managed to accomplish in years gone by, this campaign looks to be one of incredible underachievement after far, far too many poor performances.

As predicted here last week, Louis Saha was once again missing with some kind of injury but even still, Everton looked disinterested throughout and you have to wonder whether this is a reflection of their manager right now.

For a long time now, Moyes has been talked up as supposedly one of the great British managers with some even going so far as to hint at him as a likely replacement for Suralex when he finally (if ever!) leaves Old Trafford - including Fergie himself.



With ultimately untrue rumours circulating a few weeks back that he had parted company with the Blues, perhaps Everton's slump down to the fact that Moyes has realised that he has taken the club as far as he can and has his eye on a new challenge. Maybe not quite the United job but something that will allow him to test himself in a different environment to that at Goodison Park.

Finally, having been involved in matches that produced a grand total of 15 goals in last weekend's net-busting orgy of scoring, wasn't it just inevitable that Blackburn and Newcastle would play out a dull 0-0 snoozefest?

Match of the Weekend: West Brom 3-3 West Ham

Goal of the weekend: Duh!?!

Whinge of the weekend: Mike Summerbee

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Goal-uttony: Weekend Observations 5th-6th February 2011: Part One

If we are to believe that gluttony is indeed one of the Seven Deadly Sins then this weekend saw Premier League fans purchase a one-way ticket straight to the deepest, darkest depths of hell after feasting on goal after net-busting goal. The 41 scored on Saturday alone set a new league record.

"Mmmm... delicious goals!"


The ONLY place to start is at St. James Park which saw what was undoubtedly the game of this or any season in recent memory between Newcastle United and Arsenal. Unless you've been living under rock, in a cave somewhere in Watford with your eyes stapled shut, your eardrums perforated and and your iPhone battery uncharged, you would know that Arsenal somehow contrived to throw away a 4-0 lead in the last 26 minutes of the match allowing a side managed by Alan Pardew and Leon Best up front to come back and draw 4-4.

Themselves no strangers to dramatic collapses and regular humiliations both on and off the pitch, it must have been a refreshing change for Geodies the world over to finally see their team come away from such as encounter with their heads held high. It's far too easy to regurgitate cliches about having a 'never say die' spirit but on this occasion, there is little else one can actually say.

This most improbable of outcomes was partly a result of yet more inexplicable refereeing as the performance of Phil Dowd almost took the shine off of Newcastle's remarkable comeback. Put Kafka, Wittgenstein and Carol Vorderman in a room and they still wouldn't come up with any reason as to how the portly official awarded Newcastle their second penalty. Arsenal will also rightly argue that if Abou Diaby deserved his red card (which he certainly did) at the point in which the momentum begun to swing toward the home side, why wasn't Kevin Nolan also dismissed for a near identical offence after Joey Barton's first converted spot kick to make it 4-1?

In any instance, the farcical refereeing should never have been a factor. Unless Dowd and his assistants were actually tackling Arsenal players and scoring the goals themselves, a side with the undoubted quality possessed by Arsene Wenger's team should, without debate, be able to hold on to a lead against a team as mediocre as Newcastle. If at the start of the game, someone offered any gooner a 4-0 lead but being down to 10 men with half an hour left to play, they would have bitten your hands off.

What it basically boils down to is the fact the once again, Arsenal showed about as much resistance and mental fortitude as James Cordon walking past a cake shop and trying to stop himself going in. For most teams in football, you would be able to write off Saturday's result as a freak occurrence. Not Arsenal. We've seen this kind of capitulation from them a number of times before. Hell, this isn't even the first time they've pissed away a commanding lead this season. You can bet your life that this won't even be last time we'll be discussing this.

Their manager refused to address the obvious problems with his team's comical defence in the transfer window and with Johan Djourou's injury leaving them with just two fit centre backs for a while, Arsene Wenger appears to have compromised his team's chances of success with his stubbornness yet again. The time must surely come when you have to wonder if a man who continues to make the same mistakes over and over again is still fit to lead this team.

Bizarrely enough, the gunners actually ended the weekend a point closer to table toppers Manchester United who finally lost 2-1 at Wolves following yet another poor performance away from Old Trafford. For Wolves, Elokobi and Doyle's goals on Saturday evening now mean they have taken 12 points from United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Man City so far this season – yet somehow they are still currently joint bottom of the league.

Credit to McCarthy's side but if you can't raise your game against the other teams in the league, all your big 'scalps' will ultimately count for nothing when you are back playing against Derby and Doncaster next year. As an aside, isn't it funny that Big Mick was sent to sit on the naughty step last season after fielding a weakened side and essentially throwing a match against United? Putting out his strongest XI might not have been such a bad idea in hindsight.



It's unlikely that this defeat will signal some kind of dramatic United free-fall but it cannot be denied that it has been on the cards for a while. Having got out of jail at Villa, West Brom and Blackpool to name but a few jammy recent examples, this defeat might signify that they have run out of free passes. You imagine it might have to serve as something of a wake up call for Fergie who will realise that If he wants to win yet another league title this season, performances on the road will have to be much better.

The loss for the Reds now means that they won't get to stick it to their rivals from North London by equaling the latter's achievement of going a whole league campaign unbeaten. For everyone concerned with United, this will ultimately prove irrelevant if they claim the more important accolade of a 19th title, bettering that of their enemies from Merseyside.

Speaking of whom, I may need to set aside this blog while I go and cut myself an uber slice of humble pie following the mini-revolution at Liverpool under Kenny Dalglish. I, like many others, thought 'The King' would be out of his depth having been out of the game for so long, coming back in a vastly different era to what he is used to and most importantly, having to manage with a fairly uninspiring squad of players.

Instead of being a resounding failure, Dalglish has seemingly transformed to fortunes of the club and after their 1-0 win over Chelsea – their fourth in a row – fans can start to dream once again. To play devil's advocate however, how much of this good run down to the influence of the man behind the man, former Chelsea assistant manager Steve Clark? Also, wasn't matchwinner and in-form Raul Meireles a Roy Hodgson signing?

Now just six points behind the blues with Wigan and West Ham to come in their next two games, some crazy fools might even start to speculate about a top four finish. Improbable? Maybe. Impossible? Not this season.

Of course, the sub plot to the match at Stamford Bridge was of course the debut of Anakin Skywalker after his £50m move to the dark side. Would he score? Would he celebrate??? Well, as it turned out that Fernando Torres had his best game for Liverpool in months after a performance that can politely be described as 'subdued' but was in fact probably closer to a big steaming pile of another word beginning with 'S'. Chelsea fans the world over will be hoping they don't have another Shevchenko (or worse, Sutton!) on their hands. Whatever he goes on to achieve during his spell with The Blues, Liverpool fans will certainly be feeling somewhat smug about what transpired on Sunday. The scousers have the last laugh ...for now.

Chelsea's recent renaissance came to a grinding halt in a game where they were lucky to come away with 'nil' such was the lack of any attacking invention in their play. It would be an act of gross stupidity to imagine that things won't fall into place sooner rather than later but on this occasion, for a side with a front line consisting of Drogba, Torres, Anelka and Frank Lampard supporting to not even muster a shot on target between them is nothing short of embarrassing. Equally embarrassing is the fact that after some obscene spending of some £70m, Chelsea actually managed to put in one of, if not THE worst performance of any of the 20 teams in the league this weekend. Isn't it funny that it was Liverpool's finest who once sang that "Money can't buy me love"?



Part Two to follow

How much??? Deadline Day Observations - 31st Jan 2011

And so another Transfer window draws to a dramatic close. January 31st has come and gone, clubs have concluded their transfer business for the season (emergency loan nonsense aside) and will have to make do with their lot from now until the end of the campaign.

Is Deadline day is fast becoming one of the most significant dates of the entire year? Ask a lot of football fans and you'll probably find it means more to them than Shrove Tuesday or Boxing Day or Valentines.

This particular day in the footballing calender tends to stir up a mix of emotions as supporters feel everything from excitement, to anger, to fear and even confusion as teams desperately and recklessly throw around their cash trying to strengthen their squads in a manner not dissimilar to shopaholics on the last day of some department store sale. Like these shoppers, football clubs often find that they have not invested wisely and end up going home with ill-fitting and unwanted items they cannot return.

Cynicism toward the whole idea of a transfer window is widespread and totally understandable given the limits, restrcitions and pressure it places on clubs, managers and players. However, I've decided that it is time to embrace the madness. I love days like this because of the unpredictability and insanity - even if they do serve as a reminder of how much of a ridiculous circus the 'sport' of football has become.

A whole day spent sat glued to Sky Sports News with my MacBook by my side as I constantly refreshed the BBC website and obsessively trawled through Twitter for any nugget of vaguely relevant transfer gossip was probably not the most productive use of my time. Some might even say it was a complete waste of a day off. A day that could have been spent doing something far more fulfilling. Tragically, there are actually very few things in the world not involving Megan Fox and a Jacuzzi that I would have rather been doing...

Why does the deadline time change every window? In the past it has been 5pm, Midnight and on this occasion, 11pm. There's probably a simple explanation that I am unaware of so if anyone can enlighten me, I'd be rather grateful.

People talk about inflated transfer fees and and paying over the odds for individuals but in truth, who are any of us to judge how much someone is worth? Footballers are worth exactly what a team/Chairman/Cash-rich Arab can (hopefully) afford and is prepared to pay. There is no official valuation criteria for players to meet so not one of us can justifiably say that "x is a waste of money" or "y is a bargain".

Having said that, for the sake of argument, I'm going to ignore this completely...

Without a shadow of a doubt, the biggest story of the day was dedicated, badge-kissing Liverpool diehard Fernando Torres swapping his red armband for a blue one as he joined rivals Chelsea for something like 50 million quid of Roman Abramovich's fortune, breaking the British transfer record in the process! The blues also spunked £22m on David Luiz from Benfica but I literally know nothing about the Brazilian defender to say whether this transfer is worthwhile or not so I'll move on.

Amidst all the hype and hysteria surrounding the Torres deal, people seem to have ignored the fact that 'Nando' has actually been quite rubbish this season. Imagine how much he would have cost in he hadn't been playing like some kind of Spanish Chris Armstrong for the past 5 months. He also spent so much time on the treatment table that Liverpool physios were actually charging him rent.

Of course, when fit, firing and on form he is arguably the best striker in Europe and if Carlo Ancelloti can get him to form a half decent partnership with Didier Drogba then quite frankly, the rest of us are doomed! To completely bastardise the famous Mark Twain quote, rumours of Chelsea's demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Naturally, the move has led to widespread calls of disloyalty and betrayal from dismayed Liverpool fans, some of whom even took to making the extreme gesture of burning replica shirts as a means of expressing their displeasure. Talk about taking things too seriously.



It was not all bad news for the scousers though, especially given the fact that someone, somewhere in Liverpool decided that Andy Carroll was worth 35,000,000 pounds Stirling and paid Newcastle this very amount to bring take him to Anfield. Seriously, £35million? Did they forget to add a decimal point in there somewhere? Who sanctioned this transfer? Fred Goodwin???

If a player with half a season's top flight experience and less than a hundred professional appearances to his name is valued at that price then we may as well all just pack up and go home. Forget women linesmen, THIS is the sign that the game has gone mad. If we were to say that Mr. Carroll is 100 times a better footballer than me then the would still place me at about £350,000! If anyone is looking for a clumsy, bumbling Saturday league centre back, I'm your man! Darren Bent all of a sudden looks a snip.

The most curious thing about this was that Newcastle had apparently initially turned down £30million. Why? Fair play to them for holding out for more but anything above £10m is surely too much for Carroll who has now become the 8th most expensive player in world football despite not even being one of the top 20 best players in the Premier League.

The 'experts' on Sky tried to justify the transfer, by suggesting that 'King' Kenny was trying to sign players that fans could identify with. It would be too easy to make a joke about Carroll's criminal record so I'll leave it well alone.

Signing overrated jailbird Geordies wasn't the only business Liverpool did on deadline day. The NESV owned club also completed the deal to bring in another striker in Uruguayan Luis Suarez – yes, he of notorious World Cup handball fame – for a cool £23m.



Suarez has one of those frightening goal-scoring records in the Dutch league but as we've seen in the past an Eredivisie golden boot can prove to be about as valuable as shares in BP this morning. For every Ruud van Nistelrooy, there's a Mateja Kezman, or even worse, an Alfonso Alves!

Liverpool fans will be hoping their new man will be more like the former (as well as letting his feet rather than hands do the talking). Taking Suarez' international record (16 in 38 to date) into account as well, it would suggest he won't turn out to be as much of a footballing misfit as the latter two. If he can adapt, he will be just as deadly in front of goal as the departing Torres.

With two high priced new strikers making up what would be one of the most expensive forward lines in the league, the burning question on everyone's lips is what will become of Nabil El Zhar?

The fact that the new owners have not been shy in allowing 'King' Kenny to splash the cash so frivolously would suggest that they are looking to keep him for the long haul. No temporary manager would ever be handed such a warchest with which to rebuild and remould the team if he was expected to sling his hook in the not too distant future.

For me, the big winners on deadline day were Blackpool. Aside from singing two fairly useful players (and James Beattie) Ian Holloway managed to prevent Liverpool from increasing their spending even further after he dug his heels in and refused to sell the club's best player Charlie Adam to the reds.

The continued interest in Adam is a curious one. I make it no secret I'm a massive fan of his. He's a very good player and is playing to his potential at the minute but I can't see him improving much beyond his current level. Admittedly, he is still better than what Liverpool have already.

How will he react to not getting his dream move? By all accounts, he's going to still put in the effort but he might have trouble displacing new signing Andy Reid... in every sense of the word!

Spurs also came in with a late bid for Adam that was either turned down or too late depending on whether you trust the word of 'onest 'arry or not. There seemed to be something of a desperate panic at Spurs Lodge in the hours after their 4-0 humping at the hands of Fulham in the cup as bids went in for what seems like every striker in La Liga with little success before time ran out. Tottenham were unable to repeat their magic of the last window when they bought Rafael van der Vaart for just £8m (Again, Andy Carroll = £35m!!!).


Mrs. Sylvie van der Vaart - anytime he gets a mention, she gets a picture!


White Hart Lane wasn't the only place that saw a lack of last day transfer activity. It was all quiet at the top as Manchesters United and City and Arsenal chose to keep their wallets in their pockets. City had already completed a big money deal for Edin Dzeko weeks ago and shipped out their dead wood in Wayne Bridge and Emmanuel Adebayor – albeit on loan – to do some much needed trimming to their squad. United seem to be operating on the "if it aint broke, don't fix it" principle and why not seeing as they are top of the league and still unbeaten etc.

To the surprise of no-one, Arsene Wenger chose not to enter the transfer market despite the glaring deficiencies in his team's defence. Once again, you expect gooners to look back in May after another season of disappoint in the league and wondering what might have been if only they made that one signing that everyone with even a passing interest in the game could see that they needed.

Elsewhere, loan deals were the order of the day. Obafemi Martins returned to the Premier League to Birmingham from Rubin Kazan in Russia where he seems to have found the secret of eternal youth after being listed as a 26-year old despite having been born in 1942.

Eidur Gudjohnson has returned to West London to Fulham on loan after a pointless few months at Stoke. Having spent the most recent years of his career living in Barcelona and Monaco, is it any wonder he couldn't settle in Staffordshire?

Among other late loan deals, Stephen Ireland can now be totally useless for Newcastle after joining them from Villa for the next few months. Paul Konchesky will be relieved not to have to shank clearances in front of Liverpool fans baying for his blood for a while after dropping down a division to shank clearances for promotion chasing Nottingham Forest. The nicest man in football El Hadji Diouf will be renewing acquaintances with the good people of Glasgow after signing for Rangers. Robbie Keane left Spurs for West Ham and may or may not have declared that he has always dreamed of playing for the Hammers having supported them all his life.

Finally, the best named player that moved on Monday was Maximilian Hass who signed for Middlesbrough and will presumably divide his time playing for the Teesiders with his day job of being a Marvel comics supervillian.

Who says the transfer window was no fun?

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How things Change. Weekend Observations - November 6th-7th 2010

Where else to start than at Anfield? With the poor performances, player unrest, takeover shenanigans and financial troubles, it's difficult to imagine a football club experiencing a more eventful opening three months to a season. Much of the drama is akin to works of fiction and would not have been out of place on the horrifically unrealistic but highly watchable Sky One series Dream Team from days gone by.

Liverpool have somehow gone from a humbling shock home defeat against newly promoted Blackpool to an incredible victory over champions Chelsea in the space of just a few weeks – a third league win on the bounce propelling them from the doldrums of the Premier League relegation zone to the dizzying heights of mid-table.



The victory over the league leaders was inspired by the eye-poppingly good Fernando Torres whose two first half goals were enough to see off the visitors. The second of which was a moment of genius that simply reminds all of us exactly why we love watching this thing we call football.

Last week, I suggested that the Spaniard looked disinterested in Liverpool's unconvincing victory at Bolton and while I stand by that claim, the contrast in his performance this week could not have been more stark. Torres was back to his unplayable self and sent out something of a reminder as well as a huge 'F*CK YOU!!' to all the critics who have dared to write him off this season.

And it wasn't just Torres. The likes of Jamie Carragher, Maxi Rodriguez and Lucas all played unexpectedly well in this match making me think someone had spiked my coco pops with some kind of hallucinogenic drug such was my astonishment to what I was witnessing. Yes, Liverpool actually looked like a decent side for the first times in what seems like years. Maybe they finally have turned that fabled corner that everyone is so obsessed with.

As for their opponents, a strange thing occurred to me. The problem of subjective interpretations based on particular outcomes. Last week, Chelsea didn't play well but managed a result away at Blackburn. We all sat here saying it was the hallmark of champions to be able to do so and just assumed that the same would happen whoever they faced. I'm not saying that one defeat means Chelsea are in any sort of crisis but in truth, they haven't been at their best recently and perhaps are not deserving of the exaggerated hype surrounding them. They still undoubtedly remain the best side in the country and will more than likely end up as champions but maybe all the talk of them running away with the title ought to be set aside as of right now.

That very term, 'crisis' has been bandied about a great deal so far this season. As each week passes another club is on the brink of declaring some kind of state of emergency. Whereas Manchester United and Liverpool seem to have come through their periods of sensationalised disaster, last week it was the turn of Manchester City, with reports that Roberto Mancini was about to be taken out round the back of Eastlands by a large man armed with a handgun, duct tape and enough space in the back of his car to fit the body of a diminutive Italian wearing a scarf. However, the billionaires were back to winning ways thanks to two goals from marquee summer signing Super Mario Balotelli at West Brom.

If you believe what you read about Mancini being on borrowed time, this win would have surely bought him some breathing space. However, the pressure could well be right back on if City, minus their Hawthorns match winner following his sending off late in the game, lose this Wednesday in a little match taking place at Eastlands against their penny-pinching neighbours from around the way.

Speaking of whom, Ji-Sung Park's winning goal in the last minute of Fergie time... I mean, stoppage time at home against Wolves could well prove to have huge ramifications given the erratic results of the teams surrounding them this weekend. Manchester United, once again, looked far from convincing, but remain unbeaten and are slowly looking to build up something like momentum. They're turning those early season draws into wins and continue to put pressure on Chelsea above them. You have to believe that the performances will eventually come too and it will be just as important for them to avoid defeat on Wednesday as much as their cross-town rivals.



As I pointed out weeks ago following his hat-trick against Liverpool, the excessive praise dished out to Dimitar Berbatov that day proved to be somewhat premature with the Bulgarian having gone five league games without finding the net before being dropped... sorry, "rested" on Saturday. This doesn't make him shit either, it just means he's probably somewhere halfway between.

A major talking point from Manchester United's win this weekend was the aborted return to action for the lesser-spotted Owen Hargreaves, a player so unfortunate with injury an entire Salford-based hospital is set to be built and named in his honour*. For those that didn't see it, the former England international was withdrawn after just 5 minutes of the game with a hamstring injury. Yes, FIVE MINUTES!! Sir Alex has suggested 'anxiety' may be the cause of the latest set back suggesting that, understandably, there may be some psychological hump that Hargreaves will have to scale if he ever to get back to his best.

On the subject of perpetual injury problems, Arsenal found themselves in a rare position this week when what a good portion of what many believe to be their first team were available for selection. In the past five trophyless years, we've been constantly been led to believe that had Arsenal not been victims of a gypsy curse and hadn't had more players in hospital than available to play then these barren years would have been far more fruitful. The first chance to prove the validity of this claim came against Newcastle at the Emirates and it was a test they failed in spectacular fashion.

Andy Carroll gave the visitors a shock 1-0 win in a game where the same old problems reared their ugly, ugly heads again. I'm tempted to copy/paste previous statements about goalkeeping problems, failure to perform when Cesc Fabregas isn't 100% and inability to break down any team that actually knows how to defend but these problems are so glaringly obvious they don't really bare repeating.

Arsene Wenger's team is at risk of becoming the most pointless entity in football. Every season it's the same. A top four finish without ever really looking like winning the title and a decent cup run until they come up against someone half decent. Same old tedious story every year. Repeat to fade.

Equally pointless are an Aston Villa team who this season are about as interesting as a three hour lecture on socks by Iain Duncan-Smith. Following a prolonged and patient rebuilding process, Villa were on the brink of reaching the holy grail known as the Champions League just a little over a season ago. Now, in the space of a little under six months, the whole plan seems to have unravelled and they have returned to the level of midtable obscurity that preceded Randy Learner’s takeover some years back. It's hard to lay blame at the feet of new manager Gerard Houllier but this current side are hardly one to get the juices flowing.

This weekend's 1-all draw at Fulham was just about par for the course for a team averaging less than 1 goal a game so far this season with just 10 in 11. Only West Ham (9) and Wigan (8) have scored fewer and both those sides are in the relegation zone. If Villa are not careful, they could easily join them over the coming weeks as they sit a mere three points about the bottom three.

Spurs, the team that eventually achieved what Villa couldn't by breaking into the elusive top four and subsequent Champions League qualification, did their reputation no harm last week after comfortably beating European champions Inter Milan at White Hart Lane. Now, unless you superglued your eyes shut and stuffed your ears with playdough, you wouldn't have failed to notice that the major talking point from the game was Gareth Bale whose the stupendous performance presumably had Inter's right back Maicon on the phone to a victim support helpline after the game, such was the brutality of the public violating he suffered.



Bale's performance had the 'experts' almost literally frothing at the mouth in excitement and declaring, in all seriousness, that the young Welshman is somehow up there with the likes of Ronaldo, Messi, Xavi and Drogba as the best in the world. Leaving aside the fact that in both games against Inter he was allowed the freedom of Europe to do his damage thanks to the absence of any attempt to try and stop him, I was interested to see how well Bale was performing back on home soil. His sum total of two goals (both in the same game) and one assist having played every minute of every Tottenham match this campaign would suggest that maybe he's not quite the new Maradona just yet. Talk about people getting ahead of themselves. Best in the world? Have a word with yourself!

Bale and his Tottenham team were on the receiving end of something of a hammering from Bolton which by some folks' twisted logic would mean that Owen Coyle's side are now the best team in Europe.

Final point this week would be to tread on already well trodden ground and talk about Stoke City. The staffordshire club are floundering somewhat in the league and are only outside the bottom three thanks the the abovementioned woeful scoring record of Wigan Athletic. Grandmaster Tony Pulis seems to think that this down to bad refereeing decisions going against them and Dean Whitehead has pointed to Danny Murphy's comments some weeks back, believing they have influenced officials. It's funny that Blackburn and Wolves, also criticised by Murphy, have not faced similar troubles but let's not let that get in the way of Pulis' deflection tactics to stop people noticing how piss poor his team actually are. I seem to remember him criticising other managers for 'moaning' in the past. Nothing like good old fashioned double-standards, eh Tone?

*This may not be true

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Weekend Observations 30th October - 1st November 2010: Part Two

Part One here

When it was decided that Blackpool v West Bromwich Albion was to feature as the Monday night game on Sky, no-one in their right mind could have envisaged that a win for the home side would catapult them into the top half of the table nor would they have guessed that The Baggies would be ruing missing on three points that would have put them into the top four.



An entertaining and eventful game at Bloomfield Road on saw the away team play most the match with 9 men having had Pablo Ibanez and Gonzalo Jara dismissed before the half hour mark. Ian Holloway's men wasted a hatful of chances and almost squandered a 2-0 lead when Yousouf Mulumbu grabbed a late consolation. The most impressive aspect of the game was the willingness of both teams to attack. Blackpool could have easily sat back and kept possession with their two man advantage but still went out trying to score more goals even when winning comfortably. West Brom, although forced to set up with a 4-4-0 formation for over an hour still managed to get forward on enough occasions to make a game of it and were almost rewarded in the dying moments for their endeavour. Both teams ought to be praised for their positive attitude and some of their more pragmatic Premier League counterparts would be wise to sit up and take note.

That final sentence would have been a nice segue into discussion of the dull, scoreless West Midlands derby between Aston Villa and Birmingham City but this sentence is about all I could muster on the game. I’ll quickly move on the admittedly only fractionally more exciting game at the Reebok Stadium where Liverpool beat Bolton 1-0. Interestingly enough, despite their terrible start, should the unexpected happen and the scousers beat Chelsea next week, they could theoretically jump up to as high as fifth. However, watching their unconvincing smash and grab victory at Bolton, I would say that Hodgson's team have very little to be optimistic about. Maxi Rodriguez' 86th minute toe-poke merely glossed over what was another poor performance.



Take out Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard and you would struggle to convince many people that the rest of the Liverpool team are any better than their vanquished opponents on Sunday. Speaking of Torres, don't let the assist fool you, his overall contribution to the game was minimal and his lack of interest couldn’t be more apparent if he ran around with a huge neon sign with flashing text which read: "CANT BE ARSED" on it.

Many fingers have been pointed in many directions at Anfield but let's face it, on the pitch is where the main problems lie and the majority of the personnel in that line-up are just not up to the task of helping Liverpool return to past glories. For the likes of Lucas and Konchesky to name but two, their glaring deficiencies were once more exposed as they faced a team who are probably their equals at this point in time. The end result was a turgid, awful advert for top flight football which would have been just as 'entertaining' if all 22 starting players took a sedative pre-match and kept passing out at random moments during the game until the last man was left standing. Even Jamie Carragher readily admitted after the game that neither side deserved to win and apologised to everyone forced to put up with that drab 90 minutes as he realised we all died a little inside. Ok, maybe I made up the bit about the apology but I will never get that time back and that depresses me somewhat. But I digress, on the evidence of the game, any talk of 'turning the corner' ought to be curtailed until a later date.

What made the game look even worse was the fact that the first televised game on Sunday was the Tyne-Wear derby between Newcastle and Sunderland at the Sportsdirect.com@St. James Park Stadium – to give it its full name – which was a cracker of a game. The Magpies rolled back the years and almost looked something like Kevin Keegan's original entertainers from days of yore. The star man in the 5-1 battering was Kevin Nolan who nabbed himself a hat-trick. The rest of the Newcastle forward line weren't too bad either with Shola Ameobi grabbing a brace and Nolan's court-enforced flatmate Andy Carroll at the heart of everything good the home side did. I imagine they are just like Joey and Chandler from Friends except instead of Manhattan based hi-jinks with various members of the opposite sex, Andy Carroll just assaults them (allegedly). And rather than the all too frequent trips to the same coffee shop, I imagine Andy Carroll just decides to glass people (allegedly) irrespective of the beverage of choice or the establishment he happens to be in.

Without trying to take anything away from a Newcastle side very much deserving of a famous victory, they couldn't have had a bigger helping hand form their arch-rivals who looked about as lively as a bunch of red and white striped barber's poles. I guess that would explain why some of the defending was hair-raisingly tragic! Not to mention their terrible tackling which saw six players booked and Titus Bramble sent off. I alluded to the fact that certain teams seem to be over dependant on their star man and there is no greater example of this than at Sunderland where Darren Bent seems to be the only person who actually knows how to find the back of the net. Naturally, it was the England striker who grabbed the Black Cats' consolation late on.

Lack of goals aside, it's difficult to see what Steve Bruce is actually doing with this Sunderland team. They don't appear to have any sort of football philosophy in their approach nor a discernible style of play. They aren't really defensive nor are they particularly dynamic on the attack. They don't lose a lot but don't win a great many games either. Currently in 12th place, there isn't much to suggest that they won't be hovering in and around this position for the duration of the season.

Mid table obscurity has however, has allowed Sunderland to hold the Northeast bragging rights for the last year or so following the relegations of Newcastle and Middlesbrough in 2009. The Toon have returned and you'd think that after the indignity of playing in the second tier for the self-professed big club, you'd want to try and keep well away from that dreaded relegation trap door.



After all the various controversies, embarrassments, managerial changes and general instability down the years, it would surely be sensible to steer clear of anything that may cause more problems at the club, right? Wrong, Newcastle United FC is apparently the first football team to openly embrace it's masochistic tendencies. When no problems are present, the club will actively seek them out.

Despite sailing to promotion last season and maintaining something of a healthy position in the Premier League to date, Chris Hughton continues to be undermined at every opportunity. The growing speculation about his future has been greeted with silence by the board and the reported delay in offering him a new contract all point to yet more imminent changes at the club. A massive derby win will give Hughton some breathing space but a few dodgy results will be the only excuse Mike Ashley will need before turfing him out and doing something daft like bringing back Sweary Joe.

Results

Saturday
Arsenal 1-0 West Ham
Blackburn 1-2 Chelsea
Everton 1-0 Stoke City
Fulham 2-0 Wigan
Man Utd 2-0 Spurs
Wolves 2-1 City

Sunday
Aston Villa 0-0 Birmingham
Bolton 0-1 Liverpool
Newcastle 5-1 Sunderland

Monday
Blackpool 2-1 WBA


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Tales of the unexpected - Weekend observations 25th - 26th September 2010

At Eastlands this weekend, cash rich Manchester City kept up any potential title challenge from themselves by beating current champions Chelsea thanks to a second half Carlos Tevez goal. Like many had called beforehand - possibly rather more in hope than expectation - this was going to be a tricky fixture for the West Londoners having had a rather easy time of it in the league up until this point, barely breaking a sweat as they swept aside the likes of West Brom, Blackpool and Stoke finding each game about as difficult as trying to convince Hollywood starlets to join you at a party where smack is served on arrival. I can't tell you if such parties actually exist of course but you get the point; Chelsea had not been tested.



And so, in what was billed as their first 'real test' against fellow lottery winners City, they came unstuck and suffered their first defeat of the season. What did this game and result tell us? Not a great deal we didn't know already to be honest. City have the potential to achieve great things this season and Roberto Mancini appears to be making sure his side don't suffer from the same defensive failings that ultimately cost Mark Hughes his job last season. They may not be football's great entertainers just yet - in fact, watching their games right now is about as exciting as sitting through a 90 minute lectures on kettles drying and paint boiling - but far less adventurous sides have had all kinds of success down the years and it would be unwise to write off The Citizens completely this season. I mean, he was hardly going to go out and try and outplay the blues, was he?

That said, Chelsea losing the odd game won't immediately make them a bad side. A close defeat by a single goal against a very good team who they also happened to lose to twice last season is no shock. You have to believe that from their rip-roaring performances thus far it's unlikely they will drop many points between now and May. There's every chance they will probably still walk the league thanks in part to the failings of their supposed rivals.

Speaking of whom, 24 hours after their noisy neighbours did them a favour of sorts by beating Chelsea, United once again struggled on the road after making the short trip to Bolton. More on this in a moment as a far bigger shock took place at the Emirates where The Arsenal lost 3-2 to a West Brom side who had probably forgotten what an away win in the Premier League even felt like. I doubt you would have found anyone on the planet crazy enough to have backed the Baggies to take even a point from a team considered in some quarters to be genuine title challengers let alone all three. And in such spectacular circumstances too.

By all accounts, the midlanders attacked from the very start and fully deserved the win with the final scoreline actually flattering The Gunners. Kudos to Mr Di Matteo for actually going out and taking a chance. Of course, on another day it could have backfired horribly but on this occasion it paid off.

What of Arsenal? Despite poor performances throughout the team, the big collective finger of blame has been pointed at Goalie Manuel Almunia after his clangers lead to both second and third goals for the away team. Those, in addition to the concession of a first half penalty that he redeemed himself from by saving. For me, it's completely misguided to simply lay blame at the feet of Almunia. He has never been a good keeper. Ever! But the fact he has the responsibility of being Arsenal number one is solely down to the manager who continues to select him. None of us could ever claim to be smarter than Arsene Wenger in a football sense but his continued blind spot to the obvious problems his team has "in nets" undermines and somewhat makes a fool out of him. You don't need to have managed, hell, you don't even need to have anything beyond a basic knowledge of the game to see that Almunia is a liability. For all his (Wenger's) achievements, failure to address the keeper problem that every single person bar him can see leaves him in danger of tarnishing his own reputation as a manager.



For all the criticisms leveled at his 'kids' for being inexperienced and supposedly lacking a winning mentality, Arsenal would certainly not have dropped as many points and lost as many important games in the last couple of seasons if Wenger had gone out and spent money on a decent goalkeeper rather than putting his trust in Almunia and his current understudy Lukasz Fabianski - between them, arguably the two worst keepers in the league. Even Scott Carson fills me with more confidence. Until a better goalie is brought in, the Arsenal trophy cabinet will remain as bare as the morally corrupting cleavage of a pop starlet on a children's TV programme.

The other 'challengers' Manchester United seem to be going through something of a malaise despite finding themselves in second place. The rate at which they've been leaking goals away from home so far this campaign has been nothing short of hilarious/shocking depending on your persuasion. The draws at Fulham, Everton and this week Bolton as well as the near collapse against Liverpool read for a very unstable backline right now. Johnny Evans and Nemanja Vidic, as good as they are individually, are as compatible as Joseph Goebbels and Nina Simone (can't imagine who would be who in that situation...) and appear to have no understanding whatsoever. Rio Ferdinand is still AWOL with no-one really knowing if he will ever effectively come back from his various ailments. Patrice Evra seems to be suffering a hangover from the French World Cup farce while John O'Shea is John O'Shea.

At the other end of the pitch, Wayne Rooney is playing more like Micky Rooney at the minute. His freakish form from last season feels like a lifetime away as he struggles to even trap a ball or make a simple pass let alone show anything by way of productivity in front of goal. This is where I would display an example of my mediocre attempts to be funny by inserting tediously repeated joke about scoring off the pitch but maybe his time with that brass is actually relevant to the present discussion. I've always been of the opinion that footballers should, without judgement, be able to do whatever and whoever they like as long as a) it doesn't break the law and b) it has no on-pitch implications. Far be it from me to assess mental states and body language from atop my ivory tower like some kind of snooty amateur psychologist but I don't feel it's unfair to speculate and come to the conclusion that Wazza's extracurricular activities and the subsequent revelations about his private life are directly linked to his stuttering start to the season. His team are also suffering from his as a result. Hell, when even professional nonsense speaker Kevin Keegan has a point then you know you’ve got problems.



Another striker not quite reaching the heights of bygone years is Liverpool's Fernando Torres. That said, the effeminate looking Spaniard has been involved in all of his side's last four league goals despite not scoring any. But alas, not all of these assists have passed without controversy. We all had to put up with Sir Alex Ferguson's overblown accusations of cheating last week. This week, it was a former United player and Sunderland manager Steve Bruce who was spitting and snarling about a perceived injustice when Torres set up Dirk Kuyt for one of the most bizarre goals you are ever likely to see (although perhaps not the weirdest in a Sunderland/Liverpool match).

I'm not really sure how people are saying the goal should have stood. Attwell prevented Michael Turner from taking the kick early as if to say "play my whistle". When Turner backheeled it to Mignolet, Attwell wasn't even looking so surely could not have sanctioned the kick. Is it me of is this guy deliberately making inexplicable errors just to get himself some limelight? The fact he failed to punish Steven Gerrard for his WWE style elbow smash on Danny Wellbeck was a scandalous. I guess making mistakes puts you on the map as an official. Who knows? Enough mistakes might see you rewarded with the biggest game in football despite your ineptitude.

If Spurs weren't playing Champions League football, this season would be in danger of tailing off before it's even got going properly. Consistently inconsistent would be the best way of describing 'arry's team at present given the erratic results in recent weeks. This is a symptomatic condition of European novices. Unable and unsure how to balance this new competition alongside domestic commitments, Tottenham have already sacrificed one chance at silverware following their pummelling at the hands of Arsenal last week and with defeats against Wigan and this week, West Ham already, they look unlikely to hit last season's dizzy heights once more. Of course, simply by virtue of being in the Champions League, the club have improved vastly on years gone by but if they are to better last season’s achievements, 'arry will have to get them to win the damn thing. However, with a backline more decimated than that of a 'specialist' adult film star, I'd be prepared to say right now that their chances lie somewhere between highly unlikely and damn near impossible. I doubt Andreas Iniesta is quaking in his Nikes at the prospect of going toe-to-toe with Jermaine Jenas somewhere down the line.

Speaking of mediocre former Nottingham Forest players in the top flight, it didn't take very long for my prophecy last week to come true that James Perch would be responsible for costing Newcastle precious league points, did it? At least he didn't get booked this week.

Last week's blog also boldly predicted the meteoric rise (literally) of Kenwyne Jones and how he was an absolute must for any Fantasy Football team while playing for Stoke. I'd love to be sat here with a look of extreme smugness 'pon my boat race but sadly I didn't take my own advice. Went for Chamakh instead. Pissed!

Finally, Emile Heskey grabbed his second goal in a week scoring in consecutive games for the first time since Jesus was in Huggies. In other news, Satan was spotted buying Ice Skates after it was reported that Hell had frozen over. It's obviously far too early to say whether Ged Houllier has revitalised Heskey's career but how weird would it be if he actually realised at this late stage of his career that he's supposed to be a goalscorer? Forget Chelsea losing, Arsenal getting humped by the Baggies and Kuyt's goal. Of all the unexpected things to happen this weekend, the idea of Heskey using his winner against Wolves as a springboard to becoming a prolific striker would be the weirdest by far.



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