World Cup Observations - Part 4: The last 16

Uruguay's diminutive striker Luis Suarez was the match winner against South Korea and all of a sudden all and sundry are (rightly) lauding him for his frighteningly prolific goal-scoring record for both club and country. So much so, if he is still banging them in for Ajax next season having failed to secure a money-spinning move from Amsterdam to one of Europe's bigger leagues then I, amongst others, will be very surprised.

Ok, so a great record goal scoring record in the Dutch league isn't necessarily a precursor for an illustrious career. If Suarez ends up in the Premier League, he (and the club that sign him of course) would be hoping he is closer to a Ruud van Nistelrooy than a Mateja Kezman/Alfonso Alves.

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With all the diving, cheating and play-acting we've been unfortunate to witness from our gravitationally challenged heroes throughout this competition, it was refreshing to see Ghana's Asamoah Gyan demonstrate the importance of not going down under the slightest bit of physical contact as he powered his way to scoring his side's winning goal.



It's sad to think that the vast majority of players in this tournament would have thrown themselves to the ground, rolled around, and gestured for a card following Carlos Bocanegra's challenge. Not Gyan though. And he got his reward.

As a result, the Black Stars edged out Uncle Sam's good ol' US of A, bringing misery to their biggest fan, one Bill Clinton.


Hasn't felt this down since he last heard the name 'Lewinsky'?

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USA's Landon Donovan performed well enough against Ghana and throughout the tournament to suggest that his cameo for Everton last season (ignoring his horrific miss against Spurs of course) may not be the last time we see him in European football. He can put his unhappy spell in Germany behind him now, I reckon.

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Speaking of Germany, you'd think that having the iconic name 'Müller' and being thrust into the heart of the national team would be far too much pressure for a relatively inexperienced 20-year old to handle.

Well, you'd think so anyway. You certainly wouldn't expect said youngster to show up in a World Cup last 16 game against England and be the best player on the pitch!

This game was supposedly billed as men against boys but it was Germany's 'boys', Müller, Ozil, Schweinsteiger, and Podolski who taught our 'men' a lesson.

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They'll have their work cut out against a rampant Argentina though. Who said Maradona didn't have a clue about management? Although with all that talent up front, my mum could probably achieve what he has so far and she's an awful football manager (one would imagine).

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But of course, World War 3 (sponsored by The Sun) may have turned out differently. How about that video technology then?

In light of recent high profile controversies it looks like Blatter the Hut has U-turned faster than a Liberal Democrat and suggested that FIFA will now look at the possibility of bringing video technology into football. While this would be a good thing if he actually pushes it through, I have to say I was less than impressed with his public apologies almost implying that the Mexico and England injustices were special cases. Surely he should be apologising for every wrong decision made by officials over the last couple of weeks? Don't the Ivory Coast, Chile and the USA (twice!) deserve apologies too?

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On the evidence of his brief but impressive appearances in South Africa and his form in the second half of the season to propel Bayern to Bundesliga glory and the Champions League final, where does Arjen Robben currently rank on the list of the best players in the world and perhaps more importantly, how good would he be if he wasn't so unfortunate with injuries?



Another functional but effective performance from Bert van Marwijk's side saw Robin van Persie throw a hissy fit when substituted. It wouldn't be an international football tournament without some bickering in the Dutch camp. They'll be hoping to get over any spats and pray that Robben is fit for their impending quarter final against eventual winners Brazil.

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Having slated Ronaldo and Rooney's performances in this tournament and their failure to justify the praise they get as being the 'best in the world', I don't think Fernando Torres can get away without criticism. One of the Premier League's most lethal strikers has looked about potent as a agoraphobic widowed 78 year old who has lost his viagra prescription and doesn't know how to work the internet.

Long-winded and tedious metaphors aside, 'Nando' has no goals, no assists and not even shown any encouraging signs with his performances so far. Spain's Euro 2008 final match winner has been playing like he's never even seen a football before and with some of the awful touches he's displayed thus far, you'd be forgiven for thinking he had hexagon shaped feet... made of clay!

With the tournament entering it's final stages, if the Spaniards are to repeat the success of two years ago then they will surely need Torres to find himself some kind of return to form.

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And finally, as someone who smashed a decisive penalty against the crossbar in a shootout for my Saturday team last season (we lost), I have nothing but sympathy for Japan's Yuichi Komano.

World Cup Observations - Part 3: June 22-25

Looking at the draw, it turns out that Uncle Sam's good ol' US of A, Uruguay, South Korea or Ghana are guaranteed a semi final place. Of that Motley Crew, I'm going to take a punt and predict that the Yanks will be ones to make it through to the final four much to the surprise of quite a few people. Beyond that, who knows? World Champions? Not completely outrageous to suggest I reckon (although about as likely as Cilla Black break-dancing on next year's Britain's Got Talent). Of course if it does happen, I'm sure you all realise that the achievement will be solely down to David Beckham.

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The Yanks aren't my only pick to pull off a potential shock. Having seen Japan destroy Denmark with three great goals worthy of any World Cup, I feel the Blue Samurai could be a match for absolutely anyone in the competition and could claim a major scalp if underestimated. Let's look at the evidence: Two group stage wins and one very narrow and unfortunate defeat against a Holland side that are amongst the favourites to win the thing. Even that match may have ended differently had it not been for the curse of the Jabulani! Also, lest not forget their last warm up game against England, when they were only guilty of beating themselves (2 oggys remember) rather than being outclassed by a supposedly better team.



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Speaking of England, our boys finally got it together and put in a relatively decent performance (let's face it, they could hardly have played much worse than in the Algeria game could they?) to secure a win over Slovenia and qualification for the last 16 against Ze Germans! I'll leave it to the tabloids to get caught up in the xenophobic, offensive and embarrassing anti-German rhetoric and stick to talking about football. England certainly have the players to beat Germany and for me, go in as slight favourites. No, I'm not writing them off (NEVER write off the Germans!!!) but I feel that Wednesday's win ought to spark some life into the players and mean they should go out there with no fear. This isn't the best German side we've seen over the years and with arguably a better manager than them for once, they are there for the beating.

If it goes to penalties though, we're screwed. It's in our DNA not to win those damned things.

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It also turns out that England weren't the only ones to finally show up in their third game of the tournament. Take a bow Slovakia. Had they performed like that in the first two games, they would be the ones facing Japan rather than the prospect of a guaranteed loss against the Dutch next week.

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Some people seem to be rejoicing in the apparent demise of the Italian football team. Not me. While the French implosion was something of catastrophic genius, the image of one the greatest centre backs in a generation – Fabio Cannavaro – cutting a forlon figure and almost close to tears as he trudged off the pitch following what was to be his final ever international match was a sad sight. Many may rejoice in the Azzurri's poor showing at a tournament but as someone who grew up watching one of the best national sides of the last few decades and one of the strongest domestic leagues in the world (despite it's unfair stereotype of being labelled as 'boring'), I don't think I speak with hyperbole when I say that I feel as though a piece of my childhood has died seeing how poor Italian football has become both at club and international level.

Yeah, sure Inter are current European Champions but with such a scarcity of actual Italian players in their team, is it really a victory for Italian football? I for one am hoping that Lippi's replacement Cesare Prandelli Can go some way to helping restore the team's once lofty position on the world stage.

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Three points for New Zealand. Unreal. Hold your heads high my Kiwi brothers!

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Given their unconvincing performances during the group stages, you have to wonder if talk of Spain being favourites for this competition has been premature. Far from being the dominant force everyone expected them to be, they may have a fight on their hands if they are to add World Trophy to Euro Trophy in their trophy cabinet.

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Watching Brazil earlier, I have to say that seeing Julio Baptista coming into the team as Kaka's replacement rather than Ronaldhino killed me a little inside. Incidentally, a French idiom for orgasm is La Petite Mort – the 'little death'. However, what you get watching the aforementioned Baptista play must be what the exact opposite of an orgasm feels like.


What we're missing out on

Sticking with sexual response cycle metaphors, after all the hype ahead of the two most exciting football teams coming together (no pun intended), did that 90 minutes between Portugal and Brazil not represent the ultimate footballing anti-climax?

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While nobody involved in that game covered themselves in any glory whatsoever, not all of them are constantly being lauded as being the 'best player in the world'. Yes, Mr. Cristiano Ronaldo, I'm looking at you.

Once again, the Portuguese superstar fails to actually perform for Portugal. In fact, if you only watch international football, you wouldn't believe he was even the same player that has run both the Premier League and La Liga ragged in recent years and been spoken of in the same breath as the likes of Thierry Henry, Marco van Basten and his predecessor in the Portugal number 7 shirt, Luis Figo. On the evidence of his international games, such talk is nonsense. His scrappy and fortunate strike in his team's 7-0 thrashing of Korea DPR was his only goal in 15 games for his country and his first since February 2009.

CR7? CRap more like!

(Cue a tournament winning run of form and record number of goals from hereon in)

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World Cup Observations - Part 2: June 17-21

1. We all love Brazil. Ask any football fan throughout the world to talk about the best teams, players, goals or matches they've ever seen, you can bet your left kidney that that Brazil will feature in some context. The South Americans pretty much represent what 'good football' should be and are recognised the world over for their approach to the game. Basically, you can't be a real football fan if you don't hold Brazil or Brazilians in such high regard.

The problem with this sycophancy however means that one may be inclined to turn a blind eye when they do wrong. Forget the World Cup, Luis Fabiano showed such brilliant hand control for his second goal against the Ivory Coast that he would walk into the LA Lakers team that won the NBA title last week!



I'm still waiting for the 'experts' to come out and condemn Fabiano as a cheat who should be banned, claim that he has tarnished his reputation forever, suggest the game be replayed or that Brazil should be thrown out of the tournament. No? It seems they get a pass.

Those pretty gold shirts have clearly blinded us all into hypocrisy.

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2. Of course, that goal wasn't the only bad decision by referee Stephane Lannoy. Kaka's second yellow card and subsequent sending off had half the world spitting blood to rightly condemn the disgraceful play-acting by Abdel-Kader Keïta that resulted in the red.

However, what seems to be ignored is how often the Brazilians themselves would roll around clutching their ankles, knees and whatever else after almost every Ivorian challenge before leaping up and sprinting away once they got the decision.

If Karma existed (which it doesn't!) then some people would claim that Kaka taking an early bath was a perfect example of it.

Others would suggest it has been eight years coming following this against Turkey...



Coincidentally, Keïta himself plays for Galatasaray meaning he's probably going to go back to his club a hero for extracting some measure of revenge on the behalf of his adopted country.

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3. So the Kiwis have gone and picked up a SECOND point in the tournament. This time, remarkably, against the current World Champions. Football in New Zealand may have no kind of future but certainly a less patronising congratulations is in order.

Especially as it turns out that they are now just as good as England.

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4. Speaking of the Three Lions...



I don't think this warrants any comment from me otherwise I'll end up writing my rantings until the NEXT World Cup! For the record, I'm obviously disappointed but 100% confident England will get the result they need on Wednesday – despite the best efforts of 'Jay-Tee' – and go through. More learned people than myself can break down exactly why.

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5. The fall-out from the England game has seen a fan looking like he's facing conviction for trying to get into the team changing room.

I sympathise with him as it would be easy to confuse the England dressing room for the toilet given how 'piss-poor' we played.

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6. There have been rumours of player unrest in the England camp. Not to be outdone, the French took our rumours chewed them up, spat them out and defecated on them before kicking them into touch with a full on civil war! With their strikes, statements and public fallings out, France are doing things in style. Although Nic Anelka going home just means he has a two day head start on his mates who will surely be on the plane come Wednesday morning. I think the French Football Federation ought to add another couple of F's for F****** Farcical.

As much as it looks like France are amusingly about to crash out, I just hope there's no Austria-Germany style Jiggery-pokery and skulduggery in the Uruguay/Mexico match (where a 'convenient' draw will take both of sides through).

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7. Last week I mentioned a Dutch-German switcheroo and it continued in the second round of group games as the Germans, after previously adopting their great football style, decided to adopt the Dutch trait of self-destruction with a pointless sending off, a missed penalty (No, I still can't believe it either) and ultimately a defeat.

Meanwhile, the traditionally entertaining Dutch earned a 'functional' 1-0 win over Japan. Wesley Sneijder scored an ugly goal to win a match in which the football was about as attractive as Kerry Katona pleasuring herself with a toilet brush.

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8. I'm really happy with the BBC's commitment to making sure their TV coverage of the tournament is as much about South Africa as a country as it is about football. That country has been through a hell of a lot to get where they are today and it's bloody important that people know it.

And what's the alternative on the other side? Oh yes, James Fecking Cordon.

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9. Who thought that Slovenia v USA would be the Game of the tournament so far? Also will be interesting to see how the Yanks react to being 'robbed' if that disallowed goal ultimately costs them qualification from the group stage. It's no secret that 'Soccerball' is not the most popular sport across the pond so maybe a bit of injustice and righteous indignation will be what it takes to spark more of an interest over there.

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10. Those bloody Iberians, eh? While some people dared to muse about the number of upsets so far and shifts in power, they just had to go and ruin the whole 'surprise' nature of the tournament by going out and being so frighteningly dominant in their respective games.

Although a wasteful Spain must be wondering how they didn't eclipse the sphincter-splitting pounding their neighbours inflicted on Korea DPR just a few hours earlier.

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11. Speaking of whom, it's a shame there won't be any football highlights in Pyongyang tonight....


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The 39th Step - A step too far!

Never underestimate the lengths at which people are prepared to go to line their pockets.

The Premier League and all 20 money grabbing chairmen slash pigs have revealed that they are willing to explore the possibility of introducing an extra round of games in the Premier League to be played at various venues around the world. Yes, in the week we pay tribute to the victims of the Munich disaster, a suggestion to get more football players on planes. Talk about sensitive timing.

What will happen they say is that rather than taking an existing fixture and moving it abroad, they will instead create a NEW round of fixtures where teams are randomly drawn to face off before the match is whored off to the highest international bidder. All games are rumoured to be played back to back over a weekend and no doubt Sky will be creaming themselves at the prospect.

Yes, you read that right. The blood-suckers want to create a 39th league game in the season and completely devalue their own competition by creating a situation where the playing field is no longer a level one.

What do I mean? Well, take this season. Wigan and Reading are battling against relegation. If 'Game 39' pitted Man Utd against Wigan and Reading were drawn against Derby then how would that be fair on the Latics? This 'Wildcard' Game (Thats's What Sky could call it: WILDCARD WEEKEND) makes a mockery of the competition.

But why does that matter? As long as we are making more money then the integrity of the league doesn't matter.

The funny thing is, while it is touted as a more 'lucrative' venture, how much much interest is Sunderland v Derby in Shanghai actually going to generate? Without causing offence to the lower half of the Premier League the only games that the overseas fans with actually give a damn about, initially at least, will be those between the so-called Big Four - and even that wont happen as another addition to this genius idea will be to see that the top five in the division are seeeded so that they don't have to face each other.

Many have cited that the success(sic) of the NFL at Wembley shows that Premier League football can be franchised in the same way. Why am I not surprised that after the war in Iraq that this country would continue to validate their decisions based on what the Americans do? So much for British independance.

The Premier League is the representative football league of England. That snake Richard Scudamore talks about 'The Globalisation of the Sport' as if it is the responsibilty of the Premier League to promote football worldwide. Correct me if i'm worng but don't these countries have their own football league set-ups?????? Also, these countries and provide easily afordable feeds to the point where watching Top-flight English football abroad is more accesable than doing so over here. But that's another rant entirely.

What really worries me is how before this exception becomes the norm? What about when the suits decide that they want another game aborad? How long before Tottenham are playing in China one week and then The States the next? Rest assured, this 'inovation' is not going to be a one-off!

But hey, money-talks which is why it is no suprise to hear that vile smut-peddler David Gold championing the idea.

But it's just not Gold. I've wondered for a while why the there has been such an influx in foreign ownership in this country. Running a football club rarely turns over significant profit so why do Americans want to buy Derby County for Pete's sake? The answer is now very clear. The cash cow is fertile and ready reproduce.

The days are fast running out when we will consider the Premier League a competition We are on the brink of a travelling circus. What next? Franchising? How long before Wigan relocate to London... or New York!!?? How soon before Cristiano Rondalo is making 'Special Guest Appearances' for Middlesborough as they take on Arsenal in Melbourne?

Fans need to have their voices heard. There are very few out there that see this as a good idea. The gap between rich and poor is only set to widen. I wonder what fans of AFC Bournmouth think of these plans?

But what can we do? Mass protest? How about some chants? Vocal protests are always welcomed. Imagine 75,000 people at Old Trafford, 60,000 at the Emirates, 40,000 at Anfield all singing in unison "NO SURRENDER TO THE PREMIER LEAGUE" or "WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED" to express our displeasure at the raping of the English top flight. If for just one game next season every fan up and down the country agreed not to attend Premier League matches then maybe the fatcats might get the message. Unlikely though.

A petition is going around (which I recommend everyone reading this to try and sign), Football365 are starting a campaign and there is also a facebook group although how effective they will prove to be in the long run is anyone's guess.

If and when the change is implemented, I hope they just break away with no promotion or relegation. The Football League could then function independantly as the country's premier footbal competition for the real fans of the game and the 'International Premier League' can do what it likes wherever it wants. They can make as much money as they want and travel from country to country promoting themselves (Harry Redknapp has already made comparisons with the Harlem Globetrotters). Mind you, if they gorged themselves to death I wouldn't care as I wont be watching.