Assualt and Pepe

Last Night Real Madrid hosted Barcelona in El Claszzzzzzzzzz... for the umpteenth time in recent memory. The two stand-out best club sides in world football were going head-to-head for the eighth time since just last spring. Most people are actually of the opinion that these are the only two teams in Spanish football. Their dominance and the regularity of their meetings would make it difficult for even the most staunch La Liga fan to argue. What was once the most anticipated game in the Spanish football calendar has become something of a tiresome chore due the the fact the same old narrative seems to repeat itself over and over again. Real Madrid start brightly, Barca take control, Barca show superiority, Barca win. Wash, rinse, repeat. Of these previous 8 encounters this has been the case on 4 occasions. Three of these matches ended in draws that inevitably suited the Catalans better and just one (admittedly a quite important one) resulted in a Madrid victory. This season, it was all supposed to change. Barca are not quite at the brilliant best while Jose Mourinho's boys from the Bernabau have been on fire and currently find themselves sat on top of La Liga 5 points clear of their great rivals. Yet somehow they are still somehow second best when the two sides come to blows. A maddening situation that has seen the Catalans stroll into Real's back yard and come away with a victory now TWICE already this campaign.

The latest match was the first leg of the Copa Del Rey quarter final. Real Madrid started the brighter and oft criticised Big Game Bottler Cristiano Ronaldo fired them into the lead. At half time Ray Winstone's giant, frightening, disembodied head popped up on my TV and pretty much demanded that I bet on Barca to come back and win the game at an outrageously generous 5/1. I stuck a fiver on it and was duly rewarded when Carlos Puyol and Eric Abidal (Defenders!!!!) turned the tie in the favour of Pep Guardiola's men.

One thing then that always seems to occur in these supposed showpiece games are the acts of gamesmanship and petulance that wouldn't be out of place in primary school playground. The diving, cheating, play-acting, fouling and general cuntitude of pretty much every player on the park lets both sides down. Real and Barca possess the personnel to put on real classic matches actually befitting the moniker attached to their meetings but all too often disgrace themselves by acting like idiots. The typical protagonists in this theatre are Dani Alves, Sergio Ramos, Sergio Busquets and Ricardo Carvalho to name a few. However, on this occasion there was one man decided that the floor was his and his alone as he decided he wanted the title of world's biggest scumbag.

Step forward Képler Laveran Lima Ferreira otherwise more affectionately referred to as Pepe.

The Portugese defender is no stranger to controversy having already once been on the receiving end of a 10 match match ban following what can only be described as an unprovoked assualt on Getafe CF's Javier Casquero.



Good old Pepe has also been red-carded in a previous classio and it would seem that he is incapable of learning his lesson and realise that quite a lot of the time, he isn't being 'hard', he's just behaving like a dick! His latest indiscretion centres around his deliberate stamp on the hand of one Lionel Messi while the majestic Argentine was on the floor following a foul by one of Pepe's other cohorts in the Madrid side.



This followed some of the worst acting you are likely to see this side of a Vin Diesel movie.

All of which makes you wonder whether it is safe to actually allow this man out into society. Pepe strikes me as the wired guy at the supermarket who shouts at the vegetables or the kind of fella who who walks the street naked with his hands covered in his own feces. Not all seems right upstairs.

Football is no stranger to 'hard men' and loveable rouges who, rightly or wrongly, push the boundaries of what one can get away with on the pitch to their very limit. Pepe seems to either ignorant or indifferent to the very concept of boundaries and clearly feels he can get away with murder (Not to give the lunatic any more ideas...) when he goes out there to 'play'. When he behaves like an idiot, he doesn't even consider the idea that there may be consequences nor the fact that at times, he is a danger to his fellow professionals. Act first, think later. It's like when you play with matches as a kid and the idea that you might burn the house down doesn't even enter your head. Then all of a sudden you're standing on the charred remains of what used to be your bedroom...

At the risk of saddling up atop my high horse (I call her Sanctimony...), Pepe acting like this might be understandable if it actually provided any benefit to his team. Conversely, he is nothing more than a detriment to them and the even those who are supposed to be supporting him have started to realise this. One would hope he would take heed but given the fact it keeps on happening, there's no way of ever being sure what is going on within that polished dome.

But then it dawned on me. The bald head, the snarl, the random acts of violence. This is surely a case of like imitating art...

Compare Real Madrid 'star' Pepe...


...with Mortal Kombat character Baraka



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Honestly, tell me if you can really spot the difference...





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All Eyes on Wembley

I make few apologies for the lack of input in recent weeks. What has ultimately boiled down to yet another tedious two horse race between Chelsea and Manchester United has killed my Premier League mojo. Even as I tried to get my juices flowing about the relegation battle, it soon became abundantly clear that it wouldn't matter which three of the bottom seven went down as no side has made a convincing enough case for exactly why they deserve the privilege of going through the exact same struggle for survival next season.

Further afield, most of the European Leagues have all but been decided. I mused about the possibility of Napoli putting up some kind of fight in Italy but of course since singing their praises they have collapsed like house of cards in Japanese earthquake and allowed AC Milan to stroll towards their 18th Scudetti crown.

The last major honour to be decided this season before a long, welcome summer break filled with repetitive, improbable and often inconceivable transfer rumour rubbish is of course the European Cup (Am I still obliged to refer to it as the Champions League despite the fact the 'league' format of the competition was completed before Christmas??).

This year's final takes place on my doorstep here in London. Well, not literally of course. Among other things, I live on a hill. Totally impractical for playing football. UEFA's showpiece event will be at national embarrassment Wembley Stadium and will be contested by Manchester United and Barcelona. The latter looking to win the thing for the third time in six years while the reds have now reached three of the last 4 finals (winning one and losing one of the previous two). This match is also a repeat the 2009 final in Rome. Who says football is boring and repetitive???

United's road to Wembley has hardly been the most challenging. Looking at their group, it would have actually been more difficult NOT to qualify given they were up against Rangers and Bursaspor. Valencia were supposed to provide some competition for top spot but failed to do so. In the first knockout round, Sir Alex Ferguson's side made short work of Marseille and dispatched of Chelsea in the quarters. While not strictly an 'easy' run, United would have expected to beat everyone they faced and it's clear that they steered clear of far more testing ties against genuine European heavyweights (Sit down Chelsea).

In the semis United turned over a Schalke side who I genuinely believe would struggle to beat a lot of Championship teams. The Germans' presence in the final four of this competition was like the time you snuck into the VIP section of a club before being told that minimum spend on drinks was £100 but all you had was a scrunched up twenty in the back pocket of your cheap jeans. Comfortably the poorest semi finalist in the competition probably ever.

That said, you can only beat what is put in front of you and beat them they did. Salford's finests entire campaign saw just two draws, an impressive zero goals conceded on the road and remarkably, from their 6 games away from Old Trafford, 5 wins - as many as they've managed in 17 Premier League games so far this season.

Barca also helped provide a strong argument in favour of ditching the group stages altogether as they were faced with the all too minor inconveniences that were FC Copenhagen, Rubin Kazan and Panathinaikos. After naturally cruising through unbeaten, the Catalans made it past Arsenal despite a first leg loss before ruthlessly sending Shaktar Donestk on their way.

Then came their controversial semi final first leg that will ultimately be remembered for whinging, petulance and the worst acts of cheating you would find this side of a Premier League footballer's Super-injunction. And that was just from the Mourinho's post match presser. The game itself, affectionately referred to as the 'Battle of the Bernabeu' turned out to be the worst thing Spain has given to the world since Gazpacho (seriously, cold soup?).

Rather than marveling at a wonderful football match against two of the best teams in the game right now, we're instead left scratching our heads wondering what is so wrong with Sergio Busquets' face that he needs to hold it every time an opposition player so much as farts within 20 yards of him. Barca were not the only culprits however, the cynical nature in which Real Madrid went out to stop them from playing must not be ignored. Dani Alves was universally condemned for his reaction that resulted in Pepe's red card but as far as I am concerned, if the Portuguese international goes flying into a challenge with his studs raised so high then it is completely understandable that he receives his marching orders no matter how minimal the contact.

In the midst of all the diving and play-acting, people seemed to forget that this Barca team is the best club side in the last few decades bar none. People have forgotten how much joy they can bring with their football and decided to solely focus on the nasty side of their game. Thankfully, Lionel Messi was able to rise above the nonsense and net a brace including yet another jaw-dropingly outstanding goal to remind us just why he is considered the world's best player.

Barca's 2-0 win in the capital rendered the 2nd leg almost redundant but the 1-1 draw at the Camp Nou did suggest that things may have been oh so different had Madrid not been so negative with their tactics at home. Something for United to consider on May 28th. Although, it will take more than simply adopting a 'positive' approach to beat Pep Guardiola's team....


(Yes, this video is like porn to me...)

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World Cup Observations - Part 5: Quarter-Finals

So after singing his praises last time around, Luis Suarez gone from scoring sensation to public enemy numero uno throughout the world for his supposed act of cheating to deny what would have been Ghana's winning goal. Talk about jinxing the guy.

In truth, I'm not really sure I understand the whole furore surrounding the incident. Yes, we were all behind Ghana and wanted to see them through but let's not lose sight of the fact that the laws of the game were applied accordingly. Suarez broke the rules and was punished with a red card and one game suspension (thankfully common sense has prevailed and this has been upheld rather than extended). If Asamoah Gyan had just done what he did in the shoot out and bury the resulting penalty, we wouldn't even be sitting here talking about this now. Suarez is no more a 'cheat' than a player who wrongly tries to claim a corner or a throw in. I can't see why people are getting so bent out of shape demanding longer suspensions, rule changes and the like.

That said, I was discussing with a mate the idea of introducing a 'penalty goal' in such situations and I have to say, I'd actually very much be in favour. It was a certain goal and as we saw, the award of a penalty provides no such certainty. Given the circumstances and timing, it was heartbreaking for Ghana and you could see in the shootout, the life had been sapped from them completely when they should have been celebrating a semi-final place.

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The at times peerless Lionel Messi is going home from South Africa without a goal and his tail between his legs following Argentina's exit from the tournament is which he was expected to emulate the fantastic achievements of El Diego 24 years earlier.

Young Leo is that most talented football player I have ever had the pleasure of seeing and I'm fairly sure there would be a number of others who would agree with me. The man has helped Barcelona conquer both La Liga and Europe in recent years, almost single-handedly destroying some of the world's best club sides with frightening ease in the process.



Yet for whatever reason, while not being totally terrible at the World Cup, he has failed to replicate his club form at international level. Although, as this tournament has shown, he's in good company.

Messi does have time on his side however. Should his powers not wane in the coming years, you’d think he has at least a couple more tournaments to strut his stuff.

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Despite Messi's failure to light up this weekend's quarter final, another 20-something whose name begins M was able took centre stage. Off the back of making England look like some sort of pub team, Thomas Müller and his gang of German upstarts repeated the trick and handed the Argies their collective backsides on a plate with a ruthless, near perfect performance which was as impressive as any ever seen in the history of the competition.

I know such sentiment isn't supposed be uttered in 'In-ger-lund' I can’t help but love this German team. The old stereotypes of functional efficiency could be put to bed thanks in part to the potency of their brilliant counter-attacking style. If Brazil had played like that, we'd still be wiping the ejaculate off the walls.

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Speaking of Brazil, Dunga has paid the price for sacrificing the ethos of flair in favour of a more conservative approach. The quarter final against the Dutch was supposed to be Samba vs Total Football. I think it's safe to say that neither team has been worthy of these respective descriptions in the tournament up until this point but while the Dutch seem happy to plod along simply being 'effective' the Brazilians expect much, much more.

In a proper 'game of two halves' Brazil were in cruise control for the first 45 minutes and could have been out of sight by half time. The second period was a different story as they were as bad as I've ever seen them. Mental Melo, who coolly provided the assist in the first half but then self-destructed as dramatically as a suicide bomber on a Baghdad bus, was a microcosm of the whole Brazil team in the match. A true case of the sublime to the ridiculous.

The Dutch deserved their win and could have made the final scoreline far more humiliating but for some truly woeful finishing.

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Speaking of which, how utterly underwhelming have Spain been so far? Lot's and lot's pretty passing and possession football but about as capable of doing anything in the box as a blind eunuch. Arsene Wenger once allegedly claimed he wanted his Arsenal team to adopt the Spanish model for success. Anyone who has ever seen a match at the Emirates will already be used to frustrating profligacy and failure to regularly kill teams off so his team are already there.

The match against Paraguay was a dire, soul-destroying affair that the Spaniards barely scraped through despite Pedro and Villa's best efforts to miss the decisive winning goal. Torres was terrible yet again as Spain failed to fashion a clear cut goal scoring opportunity until very late in the game. Despite still being man-for-man the best team in the tournament, I very much doubt the rampant Germans will hold much fear at this point and will be eyeing revenge from the Euro 2008 final. Could the perennial under-achievers fail to deliver yet again in a World Cup?

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The Spain v Paraguay match provided an insane few minutes where the referee Carlos Batres went out of his way to be as inconsistent as possible. Paraguay were awarded a penalty for a Pique's pull on Oscar Cardozo. Fair play to the ref for giving it but if there was any consistency, there would a bout 6 penalties given per match for the exact same offence. Cordozo missed and within seconds, David Villa was brought to ground by Antolin Alcaraz. As last man, why he wasn't sent off, only Batres can explain. Xabi Alonso buried the spot kick but the ref made him retake it as some players were deemed to be encroaching in the penalty area. Again, for the sake of consistency, every penalty would need to be retaken because every penalty you care to look at will have someone running into the area early. Alonso naturally missed the retake and Cesc Fabregas (who was probably encroaching) was taken out by Justo Villar in the Paraguay goal only for Batres to award a corner! All that happened in the space of about 3 minutes and it still somehow remained 0-0 afterwards.

My guess is that ref Batres was about as bored as the rest of us and upon realising he didn't have the luxury of simply switching the channel just wanted to spark the game into life. Well done that man!

Then the phenomenal David Villa scored his 33rd goal in 34 internationals to take the Spaniards through and but himself ahead of the rest in the race for the golden boot. Villa has also scored ALL bar one of Spain's goals in the tournament so far. Where would they be without him? At home, that's where!

I hate to say I told you so...




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